This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/exmormon by /u/Inside-Good3482 on 2025-02-06 14:55:56+00:00.

I’m sitting at work drinking my double-double Tim Horton’s coffee and sharing what’s on my mind. 

I live in Canada and am experiencing something that I finally decided is beautiful. I left the church just a little over a year ago and joined a couple of my friends in the ex-mo world. 

Here is the process of my friend group. 

When I was active it took a few years to form a friend group in my ward. My husband and I moved into the ward 10 years ago and it took about 5 of those years for me to find my people. It’s hard when the bubble is small and you don’t have too many options. I’m picky about friendship and it was hard for me to find friendships because unlike many Mormons I detest the surface relationship. Friends for me are people I connect with on an emotional level. It was a process but over time and by connecting with individuals on a one-on-one basis my people slowly came to light. 

During Covid two of those ladies left the church. Slowly and very quietly. I remember asking my one friend…so are you coming back? And she slowly shook her head. I didn’t press her further. The other friend I asked if she would be at her ward the Sunday I was visiting for my Stake calling and she told me “we will not be there” and I got the message. But we remained friends. Those who were still active in my friend group also remained friends with them.

We continued to get together and plan outings and parties and do our usual social things. My relationship with these two ex-mo ladies remained but seemed to go a little silent. I had a hard time with some things one was posting online. Sometimes I would tell my husband…I’m not even sure if we can continue to be friends. But I worked through it and even though our friendship seemed to take a break it remained intact. I became closer to the active ladies and developed some deeper friendships as I invested further in my relationship with them. 

When I left the church I know it threw my active friends completely off. It was completely unexpected and a little traumatic. Two of these active friends took the time to talk with me. I went on a walk with one. We talked and walked for almost 3 hours. She validated almost everything I shared. Of course, I protected her. I didn’t mention any resources. I just called them resources and she flat out told me she isn’t ready to go there. So we stuck to my faith crisis on an emotional and spiritual level and that was enough for me to feel her love. 

It was the same with another friend. She flat-out told me she wasn’t in a place to go look at any outside resources but she also validated me on an emotional and spiritual level. I would qualify these ladies as nuanced Mormons who don’t know the history at all. 

This was beautiful for me. Over time though, I struggled to know how to hang onto these friendships. I posted online about the Transgender policy and I’ve been changing or as my husband reminds me I am Becoming. I know it has been hard for my friends to not see me at church or church events. We used to do things together as families but stopped because our husbands did not have the best experience when my husband shared he left the church. But these ladies have continued to invite me to everything. Continued to message me. Continued to share friendship with me. Things have changed and we are in a transition trying to navigate this new territory but we are all doing it. 

I have also put up boundaries. I know my people and will only go to social events if it is only my people. If anyone else from the Ward or Stake is there who is not “my person” I don’t show up. My friends know this now. I think it hurts but they respect it. We are all grieving this loss. I’m grieving my loss of this community and faith and they are grieving me leaving. 

But last week I went over to my friend’s home, who is ex-mormon, for us to do our annual “Galentines”. The evening was a mix of ex-Mormons, active Mormons, one PIMO Mormon, and some active nuance Mormons. It was beautiful. We sat around a table enjoying our spread of food chatting amongst each other laughing and enjoying the evening. The topic of coffee came up and I bravely shared how I like my coffee in front of everyone. No one batted an eye and the conversation continued. 

Yes, I found my people when I was active. And now that I left the church I feel like I’ve found them even more so. These ladies are beautiful. We are no longer friends in the Ward or Stake we are just a group of friends. We aren’t friends because it’s convenient and we all share the same faith and community we are now friends because we know each other, respect each other, care for one another, and have fun together. 

My husband has not been so lucky. It’s interesting the contrast of the women’s reaction compared to the men’s. I boil it down to how we all needed each other during our young motherhood years and we continue to need each other. We invested in our friendships and wholly I think women carry more empathy and are also less validated by the church than men so we are willing to look within the grey. 

I thought I would share this because I am concluding that I do not want to “throw the baby out with the bathwater” so to speak when it comes to leaving the church. Mormonism gave me my tribe of women. And I’m so grateful they didn’t choose the church over me.