So I’ve decided to be more social!! Whoo me! Met someone online (F), lets call her Alice, through a post I had made and we’re going to an art gallery!! Potentially also with some other people too.

In my post I mentioned I was trans and early transition. So the person I “met” with the post knows Im trans. However I was invited to a group chat with others (cool!). I didnt mention I was trans…, also even Alice doesnt know what I look like.

Couldn’t sleep much at all last night because of the prospect of turning up and them just straight up seeing a man :(. I feel so guilty or bad being so anxious about that. I feel transphobic. I feel also I am pre emptively judging their reactions.

Im thinking of sending a message like this:

"Hi, before we meet, just wanna mention im trans. 100% look like a guy lol. Also autistic af. "

It feels so insecure but I am so insecure. I feel like I need to temper people’s expections of me. Now im just hoping they dont see me as some creepy man. I have a lot of instrusive thoughts about being one, like full on visceral interactions in my head when I talk to someone. I hate it so so so much :(

I’ll be booking a quick pyschology app the day before the event, to honestly work out how to manage the anxiety on the day of. Its honestly too much anxiety to handle atm but I dont want to spend my life being semi recluse.

Now ive got a presention coming up at work and I wanna gouge out my fucking eyes (dw a figure of speech ofc).

I had instrusive thoughts all night imagining self harming. I have done it in the past (bit of cutting and punching), its so visceral. Fortuntely I have a big wall put up in my mind to prevent it, namely loving myself (whooo!) But i still dont like it.

My god after work im just gonna fucking chill. Try to pretend the world doesnt exist around me. Sorry about such an intense vent, but then again i did put lots of warnings, and a cute cat at the start aswell!