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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/strubisach on 2025-01-29 08:31:33+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SpeechDistinct8793.
This post was originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
TRIGGER WARNING:Self Harm, Attempted Homicide, Drug Usage, Mentions of Pornography, Harassment, Stalking
MOOD SPOILERS:infuriating, frustrating & depressing, with a glimmer of hope
Please remember the NO BRIGADING RULE: do not comment on the original posts linked in BoRUs, see Rule 7. Doing so can result into a permanent ban from this sub and the other linked sub(s).
ORIGINAL POST posted on January 2nd 2025
This is a long one, TLDR at the bottom
So I (25F) recently had a confrontation with my mom (47F) after Christmas, and I’m a little unsure if I went too far in my response.
Backstory: My mom divorced my stepfather 5 years ago and moved in with her partner, Jessica (48F). I was in college at the time, but my little brother (17M) also moved with my mother as my stepfather was found to be abusive and a danger to live with (untreated military PTSD). The divorce, I think, amplified a lot of the issues that my brother had, and he began acting out in school (bad grades, problems with other kids). During this time it was found out that he had a pretty bad porn addiction and was chatting with grown men online and trying to steal credit cards and money to buy access to different chatting sites. We also found that he was cutting himself and stealing Jessica’s medication like Xanax and Promethazine. My mom, stepfather, and Jessica all came together to get him to help, enrolling him in therapy and taking him to different specialists and eventually taking him to a mental hospital. For about 3 months we were all on rotation visiting him, trying to provide him comfort while he was away.
When he came back, things were fine for a while, but then the issues started coming in again. First, he was lying to his friends about us to the extent that his friend’s parents were contacting our mom and stepdad about the alleged abuse. Then he lied to a doctor about it and actually called CPS. The case was dropped because he claimed abuse to the extent that he was being beaten every day and that he was unfed and without a place to sleep. Imagine the case worker’s face when she walked into his fully furnished room with a mini fridge, expensive gaming systems, brand name clothes and saw a fully stocked kitchen. It also didn’t help that every person interviewed had no clue about the specified events he claimed to have happened.
After the case was dropped, he upped the ante. He started trying to pit my mom and stepdad against each other. He stopped visiting him and claimed it was because my mom wouldn’t let him. And then I would tell my mom that my stepdad was bad-mouthing her and not talking to my brother because he was gay. He even lied to my mom and said that our great aunt and uncle (maternal) threatened to beat him for being gay. None of this was true, and he eventually confessed to it. Then he tried to cause division between Mom and Jessica, but by then, the trust they had in him was gone so nothing too bad happened. When that didn’t work, he tried to poison Jessica by crushing pills into her food. The only reason it didn’t work out was because she noticed that her food had bubbles in it, and it tasted soapy. She spit it out, and he eventually confesses. At this point, my mom was at her wit’s end and began punishing him differently; she started taking away leisure and extracurricular activities. So, no more Xbox or Nintendo Switch. There were no more fun weekend trips, and he just went to school and back home. Things continued largely the same, with him doing something and then receiving some kind of punishment. He would be good for a little bit and get off punishment only to do something to be on punishment again.
All thing’s came to head last year when he came home from school and my mom got a phone call from his principal stating that a student had reported him for stalking and harassment. Apparently, he liked a boy who only wanted to be with him as an experiment. Then when they “broke up” my brother couldn’t handle and was always trying to find him school and hound his friend about getting in contact with the boy. The principal also said my brother had stolen a hoodie from the student. So my mom went through his room while he was with his dad, to find the hoodie. When looking for the hoodie, she found a notebook that had alarming drawings on the cover. She went through it and found detailed plans on how and when to unalive my mom, stepdad, Jessica, me, and the boy from school.
This caused a lot of panic for us, as on top of Mom finding that notebook, he ran away from his dad’s house and was found the following day with a friend’s parents. He was taken to the hospital to make sure he was ok, and it was determined that he would go to another mental facility. He stayed there for about a month and came out unrepentant and uncaring about all the stress his actions had caused. When he came out, the decision was made for him to stay with his Dad primarily instead of our mom. He’s been there since January 2024.
The Situation: Now, since he’s been with his dad, my mom has begun doing everything in her power to make him like her again. She vacillates between buying his love and always visiting him when she’s off of work. Unfortunately, he seems to want nothing to do with Mom, Jessica, and me. Christmas was a few days ago, and mom offered for him to visit for Christmas. And that turned into him visiting from 8 am to 8 pm Christmas day, which for me was a lot. My mom and Jessica seemed to enjoy having him around, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious. Even our dog was cautious around him and actually stayed by me the entire day. I’ve felt on edge since the attempted poisoning incident with Jessica, and finding his “list” has only made me feel worse. At 17, he looks like a linebacker, and my mother just invited him to a house full of women with no way of defending themselves. He always has this look in his eye when he looked at me or mom and Jessica but they don’t seem to see it.
When we talked about his visit, I just asked not to be left alone with him, and everyone agreed to it. Then, when he gets there, my mom and Jessica immediately start going upstairs for long periods, leaving me to cook downstairs with him in the living room. He was largely silent but kept smirking at me the entire time and eventually began to sit at the kitchen island, just watching me. We ate dinner, and he largely kept silent, just staring at me or glancing at Jessica. Then he just abruptly says, “I’m pansexual now, and I’m dating a girl now.” They started talking to him about the change, but he just kept staring. I eventually just went back to my room upstairs with my dog and stayed until his dad came to get him. Yesterday, Mom, Jessica, and I talked about the visit, and they spent a good 20 minutes talking about how happy they were to see him and how he’s grown. They realized that I was silent and asked my opinion. I said it was ok. They kept pressing until I said everything above. My mom got upset with me, saying that I needed to keep an open mind and that I was overreacting. She told me I needed to be a good big sister and extend the olive branch. I told her I would do no such thing and that I have every right to feel uneasy and anxious about having someone, in a place I consider safe, come in after talking and admitting to wanting to unalive me and even attempt that with Jessica. I can’t forgiven him for that even if nothing came about it because he never apologized and there hasn’t been a change in behavior. I told her she was a fool not to see the signs and that while she may be happy to play family, she can’t forget that her name was on the list. Since this conversation, my mom has been pretty distant and has actually been spending even more time with him. Jessica and I spoke, and she agreed with me but also said that I need to consider that he is also her child, and he needs his parents.
So, AITAH
TLDR: My brother has tried to poison my mom’s partner and had an “unaliving” list for my mom, stepdad, step-mom, and me. He leaves to live with his dad and visits for Christmas this year. He came for 12 hrs and acted weird. I told my mom that I wouldn’t forgive him for the list and she is now mad at me.
r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC has no consensus bot, but the commenters voted OOP unanimously NTA.
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UPDATE was posted on January 20th 2025
Welp, it’s been 2 weeks since I left back to campus an…
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