I have been going to therapy off and on for years and whenever I bring up my desire to date and my difficulties with it I have gotten back to just work on myself and online I have seen “if you aren’t happy alone you won’t be happy in a relationship”. I have major depression and have had it for years. Am I supposed to just hope it goes away? Wait until my entire life has passed?
There’s nuance to the idea that you need to love yourself before loving someone else.
At its core, it means this: Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.
When someone lacks self-love and enters a relationship, they often rely on their partner as their source of self-worth. This isn’t just unfair—it’s unsustainable and often leads to heartbreak.
To put it another way, you need to fill your own cup. You can’t walk around empty, expecting someone else to keep pouring into you indefinitely. That’s not their job, and trying to take it on is exhausting, leading to burnout and relationship failure.
The truth is, you have to learn how to be happy alone. A relationship isn’t about making each other happy; it’s about supporting and loving one another in a way that fosters self-love, allowing both people to grow into their fullest potential.
So that rules out people with depression?
As someone who had a partner with chronic depression for 8 years, it doesn’t rule you out, but here’s the thing: you can’t go into a relationship expecting it (or your partner) to solve your depression. Depression is an illness, not just being sad, the thing that makes it depression is the fact that there isn’t some external thing (or lack of thing) making you sad, so a relationship isn’t going to add anything that would help.
I’m aware everyone’s experience is subjective, but drawing from my experience, you should avoid codependency. It would be very easy to fall into a relationship where your partner and the relationship becomes your source of self-worth, and caring for you becomes their source of self worth. I say this as someone who made that mistake and in the end both of us ended up happier once the relationship was over, but it was a very difficult situation to get out of for both parties. In the end caring for a partner as a source of self worth results in low self esteem, because nothing you can do will cure their depression, and both parties just end up completely burnt out.
Finally, avoid something I know my partner would have done after creating and reading this post: please don’t take the advice to not date as ‘proof’ that you’re not worth dating, that’s not true. Really the advice should say: don’t look for self-worth in a relationship.