All right 2025, let’s do this! Every year of my adult life my New Year’s resolution has been to lose weight, and every year I not only fail but wind up a little fatter than I was the year before. That ends now. How am I so sure? Because thanks to inflation, Trump’s tariffs, and AI “disrupting” the job market, I will simply not be able to afford food this year.
Pro tip: Cheap ass beer. It’s filling. It will kill your hunger at night so you only have to eat a little before you pass out. The next morning, the hang over will prevent your intake further. It serves as cheap entertainment so you don’t have to go anywhere and spent $20 to be disappointed. All the alcohol and lack of macro-nutrients will deteriorate your muscles, so your basal metabolic rate will decrease, thus requiring less food. I’m surprised public service announcements don’t promote this diet more often.