So I should be asking this question to a psychologist experienced with dealing with gender issues, but the waiting time for that is measured in months, so here I am. I know that the amount of help an internet forum can provide me is limited, so I’m kind of just dumping my thoughts to see if I can make sense of any of this.
Anyway, getting into it, I’ve recently been doubting my gender identity. Like, I honestly cannot conclusively tell you which gender I really feel like I am. I want to so badly be able to say “I am a woman” or “I am a man”. I suspect that I am a woman, but I want to be able to know it, not piece together circumstantial evidence from what feels like a third person view.
For those of you who might have followed my (numerous) posts, before taking hormones, I couldn’t wait to start transitioning. After taking my first shot of hormones, I don’t feel enthusiastic to transition at all. Maybe that’s just the reality of the situation and all the future troubles setting in. Maybe my expectations are just warped. Maybe it’s just the hormones messing with my emotions. Maybe I’m actually non-binary.
[Possible CW: transphobia]
Even more worryingly, I have the fear that I am just misinterpreting a “kink”. Or is that fear just internalized transphobia?
The only thing I know for certain is that “normal” men don’t have such prolonged and intense identity crises. All I wish for is to just find out the right answer before I make a complete fool of myself. Although, I guess this is all my fault for rushing in out of desperation to finally “fix” myself.
This is kind of the big problem with me. My original plan was to get access to therapy and an endocrinologist before starting HRT, but all of that went out of the window when I was told I would have to wait 3 years in a line. Then I just went straight to the DIY hormones path, which in retrospect, might have been rushing too much.
Might be cliche, but I swear this is really one of the best places on the internet.