So I should be asking this question to a psychologist experienced with dealing with gender issues, but the waiting time for that is measured in months, so here I am. I know that the amount of help an internet forum can provide me is limited, so I’m kind of just dumping my thoughts to see if I can make sense of any of this.
Anyway, getting into it, I’ve recently been doubting my gender identity. Like, I honestly cannot conclusively tell you which gender I really feel like I am. I want to so badly be able to say “I am a woman” or “I am a man”. I suspect that I am a woman, but I want to be able to know it, not piece together circumstantial evidence from what feels like a third person view.
For those of you who might have followed my (numerous) posts, before taking hormones, I couldn’t wait to start transitioning. After taking my first shot of hormones, I don’t feel enthusiastic to transition at all. Maybe that’s just the reality of the situation and all the future troubles setting in. Maybe my expectations are just warped. Maybe it’s just the hormones messing with my emotions. Maybe I’m actually non-binary.
[Possible CW: transphobia]
Even more worryingly, I have the fear that I am just misinterpreting a “kink”. Or is that fear just internalized transphobia?
The only thing I know for certain is that “normal” men don’t have such prolonged and intense identity crises. All I wish for is to just find out the right answer before I make a complete fool of myself. Although, I guess this is all my fault for rushing in out of desperation to finally “fix” myself.
Everyone is different, and it’s true that I don’t know your situation.
My own situation is that I have always strongly wanted to be a girl and I spent most of my life believing that everyone did. So I really have a hard time relating to non binary people, and I can’t offer much advice in that regard.
But what I can say is that I was never sure that I was trans. I still can’t tell you definitively. But what I decided one day is that I wanted HRT. Nobody knows what it will do to you until you do it. I strongly suspected it wouldn’t do much at my age, but I thought that any sort of curves would be welcome. I had no real plan in place, aside from maybe being able to live a double life. But the results were far better than I expected, and I’ve been happily living life as a woman for years. I still have the occasional bout of doubt, but there’s absolutely no way that I would ever want to go back.
My first week of HRT was a pretty intense rollercoaster. Right after my first dose, I felt a level of peace I rarely feel in life. But for the rest of the week I would waffle between excitement and intense dysphoria and doubt. I don’t know how you’re feeling, but it sounds similar to my bad times.
It did get better for me. I had noticeable boobs in about 3 weeks. The more curves I got, the brighter my future got. When I male failed for the first time, I made the decision to legally change my name and gender markers. The day that I got my new passport was my last as a man. The dysphoria is completely gone, aside from the increasingly rare moments of doubt.
Anyway, that’s my experience. I hope it helps, and whichever way you choose to go, I hope you find your peace. Everyone deserves a life without dysphoria.