The reason you find the types you’re going for more intriguing is because they feel familiar, they feel like what you know… I’m going to guess they’re pretty similar to what you grew up with or knowing. Learning that hit me hard, because I can definitely relate to how you date, hugely.

Unknown comes with a level of nervous system stress that you aren’t ready to confront. They behave in different ways, you don’t know what they’re feeling or what will set them off and that not knowing has a huge amount of impending Doom to it, because unpredictable is terrifying, when you have been raised in violence.

The people you’re choosing are the devil you know. That feels safer. You can’t imagine, on a fundamental level, that people come without that level of violence you grew up seeing. So the ones who aren’t that same familiar choice, sub consciously you see them as just as capable of incredible violence, but it’s a complete unknown, which feels like it’s going to expose you to extreme levels of new traumas. So you shut down towards them, and can’t form connections, sub consciously it feels to dangerous.

I should probably have put this disclaimer before I wrote all this, but I am not a mental health professional and I’m just reflecting some things I’ve found that I feel might fit, just a layperson who has walked a similar walk, and tried to find the why, these were some I found, I don’t know if any of them fit for you.

You seem really cool, I love your brain, I love the way you think, you are really astute and self aware. You have a great grasp on what’s going on around you and you can really see the forest for the trees. It’s so rare to find that level of insight, I really enjoyed reading what you wrote.

I don’t really know what the answer is. The more you work at this, the better you’ll get at it. You are able to spot a lot of it, with such a keen eye, maybe take it one step at a time, rather than fix it all at once or make big changes. What are some deal breakers you feel you might need to put in place? What behaviours definitely, always lead somewhere super bad? You have real expertise here. You can still date amongst the people you are choosing, but what boundaries or deal breakers do you need to put in place to protect yourself, to keep your world aligned with all the hard work you’re putting in, and keep aligned with the ideals you’re building for yourself. Who is walking in the same direction as you. Who is capable of the hard work and self reflection, similarly, that you dedicate yourself to. Find someone who can walk with you, and isn’t dragging you off path. Someone focused on the same goals.

There is no hierarchy. That bullspit is all an illusion. You are just as worthy and valued and and deserving of all the things as any of us in a meat suit. When you are more able to see that truth, it’s easier to walk away when others don’t treat you well. When you believe in the core of yourself that you aren’t lesser, it almost impossible to stay with someone who treats you as such. There are good people out there, who want to work and build amazing versions of themselves, like you. Find your people. You got this, already, though. You know. The fact you even ask, that you are already able to see toxic that goes too far, you need to give yourself more credit, you’re already a wiz at this. Just be patient and keep choosing you.

May I just also add the underdiagnosis of women, too.

He shoulda just said he was training an ai model!