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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-01-28 11:56:58+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_coffee_cat

AITA for cutting contact with my childhood best friend because she demanded that I break up with my fiancé?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, obsessive behavior

Original Post Jan 12, 2025

Hey everyone,

I (21f) cut contact with one of my closest childhood friends, Mary (21f), a few weeks ago. While I feel relieved she’s out of my life, most of my family and mutual friends think I overreacted, and now I’m starting to second-guess my decision.

I’m going to put some rather irrelevant background information here…

Mary and I practically grew up as sisters. We were neighbors, and our parents started arranging playdates for us before we could even walk. From kindergarten to secondary school, we did everything together. If I wasn’t at her house, she was at mine. I trusted her completely and never thought of her as anything other than my best friend.

Things changed when Mary moved away for university. At first, I missed her, but over time, I noticed how much easier my life felt without her constant presence. I wasn’t being criticized, guilt-tripped, or forced to justify my choices anymore. It became clear how much control she’d had over me. Mary had a way of dominating every aspect of my life—she’d dismiss my hobbies and pressure me to quit them, and if she didn’t like one of my friends, I’d have to cut ties. You could call me a pushover, but when you grow up with someone like that, it’s hard to see the manipulation for what it is.

Things really came to a head when I met my now-fiancé, Dave (27m). He’s amazing—kind, supportive, and everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. We clicked instantly, and he’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But, of course, Mary didn’t approve. She immediately tried to plant seeds of doubt, saying he was too old, he’d cheat, or he was only using me. Thankfully, for once, I didn’t listen to her, and I’m so glad I didn’t.

In December, Dave surprised me with a dream vacation, and during the trip, he proposed! Everything about it was perfect—he planned every little detail, and it was more magical than I could’ve ever imagined. I was over the moon and couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone. Naturally, I told Mary, expecting at least some excitement, but instead, she downplayed the entire thing. She nitpicked the proposal, saying how she would’ve done it differently and what could’ve been better. It stung, but I brushed it off and reminded her that it was my proposal, not hers.

A few weeks later, we met in person for the first time in months. That’s when things completely fell apart. Out of nowhere, Mary told me I should break up with Dave. When I asked why, her reasoning had nothing to do with me. Instead, she compared him to her boyfriend, Julian (22m), saying things like, “Dave makes more money than Julian” and “Dave can give you everything, while I have to work for what I want.” It was clear she wasn’t concerned about me—she was just jealous. She couldn’t handle the fact that, for once, my life seemed better than hers.

That was the breaking point for me. I told her to leave my house, and afterward, I sent her a long message explaining how hurt and disappointed I was. I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that I didn’t want her to contact me again.

Since then, it feels like she’s told everyone in our social circle. Mutual friends and even some family members have reached out, saying I was too harsh and should’ve handled things differently. They said, “That’s just how Mary is—you’ve known her your whole life. She’s always been in the spotlight and gotten what she wanted.” Some even accused me of breaking her heart and told me it was wrong to choose my fiancé over a lifelong friend.

Even my mom said she expected better of me, and that’s what’s making me question my decision. Did I overreact? Mary has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. Sure, she has her flaws, but we’ve also shared countless good times and memories. Am I throwing away years of friendship over this? Should I try to fix things, or was cutting her off the right choice?

since some people in the comments are claiming this story is fake:

Unfortunately, it’s not. I obviously can’t prove it to you, but honestly, what would be the point of making up a story and posting it on Reddit?

I’ve never used Reddit before and have no idea what karma is or why anyone would want it (???).

Also, yes, I let AI correct my text—mainly because I was incredibly angry when I wrote it and just kept rambling. English isn’t my first language, either. Combine these two things, and you can probably imagine that my original text was all over the place.

For clarification:

I don’t know exactly what Mary told my friends and family since most of the messages I received were pretty vague. I also didn’t ask my mom what Mary said had happened. I was too angry to have a calm conversation after my mom told me I was “being dramatic,” which led to me yelling at her. All I know is that Mary admitted to asking me to break up with my fiancé, but I don’t know if she explained why she wanted me to.

Lastly, my parents raised Mary like a second daughter, and she’s always incredibly kind in front of them. I guess that’s why they didn’t “believe” me. Maybe they’re just in denial because it’s easier for them to handle. I don’t know. But I get it—hearing something bad about someone you like for the first time can make you want to deny it.

Update Jan 13, 2025

Quick sum up because the update is quite long:

I visited my parents today and found out that Mary told them that Dave was cheating on me. My dad ended up believing me, but my mom is still on the fence and unsure of who to believe.

Also, everything that’s irrelevant to the update is put in italics - so if you’re only interested in the update you can skip the italics part.

I honestly didn’t expect for so many people to read my post and to respond in such a positive way. Since some people asked for an update (which I also didn’t expect) I’m going to explain what happened today. Also, just a quick heads up - this is probably going to be all over the place since a whole lot went down and I’m mainly writing this down to understand what exactly happened myself.

But first of all, I want to thank everyone who was so kind to share their own stories. It was honestly incredibly mind-blowing to see how many people went through the same thing that I did (and still do), and hearing that cutting contact with their toxic friends was the right thing to do, made me even more sure about my own decision.

To all those of you who were calling my post fake, AI, or “karma-farming” (whatever that even means), I’m sorry to disappoint - but it’s sadly not any of those things. This is something that’s currently happening and I needed to get off my chest. I’m glad that you’ve never had to go through something like that, but judging by the comments, my story isn’t as unusual/unique as I thought and as far fetched as some of you might think. People often have toxic and narcissistic friends in their lives - especially when people around them have enabled their behavior from a young age (as in Mary’s case).

I’m also not going to have AI correct my grammar/spelling mistakes this time, so buckle up for some fun sentences. (Also, if someone knows any good websites that can correct whole sentences (not just autocorrect, but also grammar and stuff) please tell me which ones there are - me dealing with technology I’ve never used before is an absolute shit-show - there’s a reason why I’m studying law and not something IT related, lol)

I originally didn’t want to talk about/justify my relationship - it’s simply not what my post is about directly or an issue that I’m currently facing, but I’ve decided to address it anyway, why? I don’t know, but there were a handful of people in the comments calling my fiancé a pedophile/rapist, or saying that he groomed me, and so on. Most of these comments seemed to be coming from a place of concern (which I’m thankful for), but some didn’t. So yeah, that’s probably why I’ve decided to explain some things. 

I wasn’t groomed, love bombed or anything like that. My fiancé is an amazing guy who never forced me to anything or rushed me into marriage - like some comments suggested. I’m marrying him because he’s the one I want to spend my future with. Of course, we could have waited a few more years with getting engaged/married (eventually), but what’s the point in waiting when I’m (and he too, obviously) sure that he’s the right person for me.

Marrying at a young age (I’m going to be 23 when we’re officially getting married btw) isn’t for everyone, but it’s also not uncommon. With some people you simply have a feeling that it’s going to work out great - and when it comes to him, I have that. 

*Some other people also suggested that my parents took Mary’s side because they don’t like Dave which couldn’t be further from the tru…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ibzwse/aita_for_cutting_contact_with_my_childhood_best/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    0·
    1 day ago

    Some other people also suggested that my parents took Mary’s side because they don’t like Dave which couldn’t be further from the truth - they love him dearly and have considered him part of the family after a few months of us dating.

    I’d really appreciate if people who are considering commenting solely on my relationship would refrain from it - it’s not what this post is about, it’s not the main focus, and I’m set on my decision to be with him. You can think whatever you want about my relationship, but at the end of the day, you don’t know either of us or what our relationship is like.

    But now onto the actual update.

    We visited my parents around noon today, talked about everything, and tried to understand what had happened exactly. Turns out, Mary really was telling a made up story while sprinkling in some truth here and there. Apparently she told people (or at least my parents) that Dave was cheating on me with a coworker of his, which is why she told me to break up with him. She said that this affair had been going on for at least 4 months and that she knows about it because she’d seen them together at a cafe in a different city a few months ago (let’s assume this would be true, why didn’t she inform me or my parents sooner? Like, imagine your “best friend’s” (back then) boyfriend is cheating on her and you know about it - wouldn’t you tell her right away??? This is also why I can’t understand why my parents (especially my mom) would believe her in the first place). According to her story, I got incredibly mad, kicked her out, and haven’t spoken to her since.

    Now, some of it is true as you should know from my original post -

    For one, her telling me to break up with my fiancé, as well as, me kicking her out and cutting contact. However, the whole story about Dave cheating on me is something I’ve heard about for the first time today + it’s completely made up. Just to remind you, she told me to break up with him because “Dave’s a better boyfriend than Julian (her boyfriend)” (btw, I also feel so sorry for him… I can’t imagine how much she must push him around).

    My mom said that she didn’t believe Dave was cheating on me, but was disappointed in me for how I handled the situation, especially since “I couldn’t have known if Mary wasn’t telling the truth”. She thought that cutting off my “best friend” for being “concerned” about me was too harsh and that we should have talked it out.

    I’ve also assumed that she’s scared to lose longtime friends when I cut contact with Mary - which also turned out to be true. Mary told her mother what happened (who just so happened to be best friends with my mom) and according to my dad, Mary’s mother is mad at me for “treating her daughter badly” and accused my mom of “not raising me right”. So there’s that as well.

    After my mom explained what Mary had told her I went on to tell her what really went down. The jealousy, the manipulation, the lies, all of it (basically the things I’ve said in my original post + much more). She didn’t believe me at first and said that I was blowing things out of proportion, that Mary had good intentions but simply didn’t know how to communicate them well. I showed her some text messages between Mary and me, told her about past incidents, and my fiancé tried to back me up as best as he could since my mom wasn’t listening at all and kept defending Mary. To say that I dug deep and told my parents about all sorts of things is an understatement - I even went as far as telling them about a “sex incident”, so yeah, I didn’t leave out any details.

    My dad believed me from the get go, but my mom kept going back to “how great of a person Mary is” and “how she just wants the best for me”. She also kept saying how I’ve never had an issue with Mary in the past (not true!!) and that I’m now creating unnecessary drama because of a misunderstanding (- maybe I’m creating unnecessary drama, maybe not. In my opinion it’s necessary, though. I’ve let her do whatever she wanted for far too long).

    At some point my dad simply told her to shut up and to stop making excuses for Mary - so at least I have one parent on my side.

    My dad’s always been a very non-confrontational person and never really stood his ground (especially when it came to my mom), but I found out that he thought that Mary didn’t have a good influence on me growing up. He apparently also told my mom that he wanted to limit the contact between Mary and me when we were younger, but my mom didn’t see his point and let our friendship continue.

    So basically, this whole issue could have been avoided if my mom would have put her friendship with Mary’s mother aside for her own family. Great.

    In the end, my mom said that she’d speak to Mary and ask her if what I’ve said is true, which honestly pissed me off. After everything I’ve told her she still wants to crawl to Mary because apparently “what her actual daughter says isn’t good enough”. She tried to justify it since “Mary is her daughter too” and “it’s unfair to just hear out my side of the story” - alright?? But you already had a heartfelt conversation with Mary in which she was lying to you completely??? After she said all of that we started a screaming match - I know, not healthy, but it honestly felt so damn good to just let it all out.

    To say that I cried heavily out of frustration after talking to my mom is an understatement and I’m so glad that my fiancé was with me because I sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to drive home safely. But, on a good note, I got ice cream and we watched my favorite show when we arrived back home which made things better, lol.

    I’ve not told my mom that I’m considering not inviting her to my wedding. We’re not planning to get married until next year anyway, so there’s still enough time for her to make up her mind about who she’d rather believe + I don’t want to create too big of a rift between me and her.

    As for mutual friends who took Mary’s side, I’ve decided not to respond to them. I’m not sure if Mary told them the same story that she told my parents, but I honestly don’t care. I don’t want to see Mary ever again (or at least not in the foreseeable future) and mutual friends would make that a whole lot harder than it needs to be - besides, they’re not my only friends or close friends of mine. Dave’s also okay with me not running after them to clear his name - if this whole situation should leave this friend group and turn public, I’m going to contact them, but right now, we don’t see a point in dealing with Mary’s minions (that’s something someone called these friends in the comments below my original post. Loved it!)

    Right now I’m just hoping that Mary messes up her story somehow and that my mom is going to see her for who she really is. While she’s been acting absolutely disgusting towards me and basically chooses Mary over me in this situation, I think that I can look past this. It’s my mom after all… Cutting off friends is one thing, but cutting off close family? That’s a whole different story and I’ll try to mend things the best I can. If she’s going to stay loyal to Mary… I don’t know what I’m going to do, but that’s not something I have to think about right now.

    Once again, thank you for your positive and helpful comments. I’ve read all of them, but they kept coming in at a rapid speed and I didn’t really know how to respond to most. Also, for those who went through something similar, I’m so sorry that this happened to you and I’m incredibly glad that (as far as the comments go) all of you could find peace in your decision to cut toxic friends out of your lives.

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      0·
      1 day ago

      Update 2 Jan 15, 2025

      I just want to say this in advance: I don’t know if my dad was telling the full truth! I do believe him, but he might have exaggerated or left things out. It’s entirely possible that he lied to a certain extent - I personally don’t think that, but then again, most of the things he told me yesterday, I’ve heard about for the first time and they make him seem incredibly innocent. Maybe he was lying? I don’t know. This whole situation just makes me question who I can trust in general.

      So, we had dinner with my dad last night and it went pretty well overall. We mainly talked about my mom and Mary.

      Apparently my mom had always been concerned about what others thought about her, but when she met Mary’s mother, it reached a whole new level. Mary’s mother often criticized my mom for all sorts of things - her parenting style, her clothes, her house, you name it. Whenever it was something that my mom could change, she changed it immediately to appease Mary’s mother. That’s also why I was put into dance classes when I was younger - because Mary’s mother signed Mary up for dance classes (one of many examples). So yeah, as most comments suggested, she’s being pushed around by Mary’s mom. Is she a narcissist? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.

      One thing to know about Mary’s family is that they do a damn good job at appearing “perfect”. Happy family, nice jobs, nice house, etc., I guess my mom bought their persona and tried to copy it. (I’m not going to trash talk the whole family here, but let’s just say that they have just as many flaws as any other family)

      Also, my mom was apparently talking shit about me to my dad. Comparing me to Mary in basically every way and she even said multiple times that “she wished Mary was her real daughter”. She also believes that I took away her chance to live her dream life. Fun fact, but according to my dad, my mom’s apparently HUGE on family. She always wanted to have at least 4 children, ironic, I know. She had a pretty traumatic birth experience with me and doctors told her that she shouldn’t try for children again - yeah, apparently she’s blaming me for that. She then hoped that she’d get to live her dream through me - basically that I have a lot of children. Bit of tmi right here, but I’ve mentioned it in the comments a few times already, so whatever; I can’t get pregnant, like at all, which means she (luckily) won’t get any grandchildren from me.

      I guess she sticks so close to Mary and Mary’s mother because she hopes to be “a grandma” to Mary’s potential children (that’s honestly so creepy and messed up in my opinion, but well, we’re talking about my mom here)

      I also feel the need to clarify that I didn’t know ANY of that. My mom never said anything negative about me to my face - sure, there were some comparisons here and there, but nothing major or something that had an impact on me. It’s always been just general stuff that parents tend to do - comparing grades, behavior, skills, etc. She’s also never directly blamed me for her inability to have any more children and never said anything bad about me not being able to conceive - this is all just stuff she apparently said behind my back. She’s always been pretty alright to me. She most definitely wasn’t the best mom ever, but she wasn’t horrible either - just a person who (in my opinion) shouldn’t have had a child in the first place.

      My dad also admitted that he’d considered divorcing her a few times, but never went through with it because he was scared that my mom would get primary custody. He’s currently considering it again, so let’s see how that goes.

      As for why he never stood up to my mom? He genuinely didn’t have a reason for it. He knew that my mom’s never said anything like the things above to my face, so he didn’t think that he should tell me (at least not until I moved out). He didn’t engage in these type of conversations with my mom and kept telling her to stop every time - which caused a lot of fighting between them. I knew that their marriage was messed up, but I always thought this had different reasons.

      Also, my mom reached out to my mother in law and complained about Dave - how he changed me and stuff (referring to me cutting off Mary and choosing my fiancé over my “best friend”). My MIL (who’s an absolute angel btw) simply asked her why she’s discussing this with her since Dave and I are adults - there’s no need to contact her for it. My mom also told her that Mary said that Dave is cheating on me. She then simply told my mom “sounds like Mary’s projecting” and hung up. I’m honestly so pissed that my mom tried to involve her in this situation and I can’t help but wonder if she tried to create conflict between my MIL and my fiancé. Maybe she genuinely believes Mary and wanted to warn my MIL, but I guess that would be wishful thinking. For some background: my MIL was a single mom because her ex boyfriend (Dave’s father) cheated on her shortly after giving birth - as you might be able to imagine, she hates cheaters with a burning passion and my mom obviously knew that.

      So yeah, I guess my mom talked to Mary who doubled down and my mom decided to believe her. I was expecting that this would happen, but honestly, I’m really disappointed. I’m not even sad, angry, or anything - just absolutely disappointed (and confused). I’m currently considering sending her one last text before cutting her out for now, but I don’t know if I should give her the pleasure of receiving an explanation. I’m still on the fence about cutting ties with her in general, mainly for my dad’s sake. Their marriage is rocky already and although he’s considering divorcing her I’m not sure if he’ll actually go through with it. Keeping in contact with one parents while not talking to the other one must put a whole lot of stress on the parent you’re still in touch with, and I quite honestly don’t want to worsen my dad’s home life any further.

      It’s so crazy how I’ve lost so many people, who I considered important to me, in such a short amount of time. This whole situation also made me question other people - like my dad - a whole lot. There were so many people in my life throughout all those years and nobody said anything?? Why didn’t my grandparents step in? Or my aunt? Or family friends?? I can’t imagine that they didn’t know about any of it, but then again, I didn’t either.

      I also have no idea why I never noticed that my mom held some sort of resentment towards me, shouldn’t I was noticed? I mean, I’ve been living with her under one roof for 18 years, yet I never noticed/imagined that she actually doesn’t like me.

      Also yes, Reddit became my new diary, lol.