I first tried to kill myself in 2000.
My drug dealer broke into my apartment, found my phone, called everyone he’d ever heard me talk about, and then finally 911. I’d been thorough.
At that point, it was merely personal problems; we now have systemic ones.
I’m still crashing with a friend but return to the marginally movable trash can tomorrow.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting. I just know “not this” is where I’m at in life, and one can only spend so much time with the crisis line.
I’ve been thinking about the self-immolation of Aaron Bushnell. The extreme form of protest rattled people that oppose the genocide. Genocide supporters used the act as a way to point at service members that don’t support genocide. The people that needed the message of his protest do not care. I contend Aaron Bushnell could have done more by continuing life.
I am not you. I do not know your story. I do know you brighten up my Lemmy feed with your posts. Your message reaches me.
I have a gallows sense of humor about the current systemic issues. I have been watching a police officer patrol the neighborhood in a SUV with a massive rack of lights on top. Welcome to the future, I suppose.
Politically, “power to” is important to me. I feel empowered knowing that I have the “power to” end my life, but have chosen not to, because we are stronger together in the fight against over-policing and the heirarchical power structures that use forms of violence to restrict our “power to” do things.
I medicate with music. Since you are already in a dark place, here is music I medicate with to feel empowered when I am reaching the end of my rope. It is not what you would get from a crisis line.
Thanks for the kind words. I’ve been listening to my entire music collection on random for several days. Few tracks have lyrics, as I was a raver 25 years ago, so while I do have a bit of NIN, it’s not angry stuff for the most part.
I’d like to second this sentiment… I know that there’s one man who understands the fear I’m feeling, the building rage and panic. He posts on my instance and his name is Pete. Its a little thing but it makes me feel less alone.
Might edit this post with sone music I’ve been using to cope later. I just wanted to let you know I, we, see you.
I usually know how to respond. In this case, I do not.
You don’t always have to. I know some of what you’re feeling and sympathize. There’s some music in the above post. I wish I could do more for you than link to an eclectic barrage of tracks.
<3
I’m only familiar with one Sufjan Stevens track. I’ll check these out. Thanks!
Freestylers - Back to '99 is one of my favourite breaks tracks. It does veer into DnB.