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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Shelly_895 on 2025-01-29 15:55:03+00:00.

I am not the OP. That is u/ThrowRAresentment32 and u/ThrowRAresentment33 in the newest update. Originally posted in r/relationship_advice. This is the new update to a previous BORU post, which can be found here and was reposted here.

Please don’t comment on the original posts, as that is against the rules.

 

Trigger warning: infidelity

Mood spoiler: infuriating

 

Original post posted on November 6, 2021

How can I manage the resentment my girlfriend (25F) and I (42M) have for each other?

I know I’m going to get a lot of shit, for the absurd age gap and the way we started. And I agree and I deserve it but I would really like some genuine advice past going to counselling (she won’t agree and I can’t afford it anyways). Tangible things that I can work on and introduce to help us ge this either as a couple or as effective co-parents.

Long story short: My ex-wife and I were together since middle school. We have four daughters in their teens. I was a SAHD and part time worker for most of my life until my youngest was in middle school. My ex agreed to invest in a passion project business of mine. I hired a receptionist. We started an affair and she baby trapped me. Now we’re living together and have a young son.

She resents me because she feels she was fooled. She saw me as a business owner who had a nice car, nice clothes, took her to nice places etc. She thought I was rich so she got pregnant on purpose (admitted it, not an assumption) hoping to use me to not work and sponsor her family from overseas. Well actually my ex-wife and her family are the rich ones. None of our homes were in our names. We were “renting” from her parents and giving them a nominal fee with the expectation that these homes would be left to my ex (and me) after their death. This allowed my ex’s salary (~150K, not huge in the high COL area) to stretch and we lived a really good life. I left our marriage with half our savings (~25K) and my personal property and car. I lost my business due to lack of funding and I did not seek alimony.

I resent her because I feel I was fooled. I thought she loved me and couldn’t believe the interest a young, hot woman showed in me. She was incredibly persistent and pursued me strongly. But she has no feelings for me, no care or desire. Now that the ruse is dropped, I can’t believe I gave up my entire life for what I see was an ego trip. I loved my ex-wife, really I did and still do. But I had never been with another woman and any attempts to open our relationship were shot down. This was like a wet dream come true and I was weak.

Now both me and my gf are in a place we didn’t imagine. She’s living in a shitty apartment with an old man and still has to work. I’ve lost my kids, the love of my life, my family, my lifestyle, my business and it’s all 100% my own fault. She stopped being intimate with me as soon as she found out I wasn’t rich. We’re still together on my end because I feel like I need to have something to show for this shit show of a situation. At least I got a son and a partner out of it. At least it wasn’t for nothing. And also because I don’t trust her with our son. She would never agree to give me full custody and she’s not a good mother. I would be worried for his safety and the people she would have him around. I honestly don’t know why she hasn’t left me from her end.

What can I do to improve this situation? I know logically it would be best to break up and co-parent but I’m afraid for my son and I’m embarrassed for myself. Is there a way to salvage this situation?

I’m thinking of just telling her we can have an open relationship. She can sleep with whoever she wants and go wherever she wants as long as she lives here so I can have my son 100% of the time (I work from home). I don’t know if that’s the answer here though.

 

Update 1 posted on November 14, 2021

How can I (42M) build my relationship back up with my kids (minor teens, Fx4) after an affair?

I had an affair, my ex-wife divorced me and my kids absolutely refuse to speak to me.

I was an incredibly involved dad. Most of their lives I worked 1-2 days a week and then stayed home with them the rest. I was closer to them than their mom and I’d like to think I’ve never disappointed them before this. I made a mistake, it’s been over 2 years since it all came out and I haven’t been able to make any headway.

My eldest is hung up on the fact that I now have a young son. Every first born of each generation in my family has been a boy for a long time and she broke the streak. I honestly could not care less about that, I’ve always thought that pressure was stupid and I’m not a traditionally masculine guy that always wanted a boy. But she’s so hurt that I have a son and is convinced that’s all I’ve ever wanted and he’s replaced her and my daughters. None of that is true. All of my girls said they don’t consider themselves to have a brother and want nothing to do with him.

All four of them feel betrayed and blame me for breaking up our family. I deserve the blame, it’s my fault and I take responsibility. But I can’t change the past and I don’t know how I can begin making up for it. My ex has full custody of them but I’m supposed to have visitation one weekend a month. They’re all in therapy and it was suggested to not enforce the visitation and respect their boundaries while they work through it. I’ve done that the entire time and there’s no progress made.

Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do here? My ex absolutely hates me but was always supportive of the girls staying in contact with me. She’s respected their wishes but still gives me updates once in a while. My eldest is turning 18 soon and graduating this coming year and probably moving away for university. I feel like the time to make up with her especially is slipping away.

I know I’m the shitty person here. I was a terrible husband but I was honestly a really good dad and I miss my girls. Has anyone been through something like this? How did it turn out? What are your suggestions?

 

Notable comments by OOP:

Commenter 1: I mean, there is nothing you can do really. It’s up to them if they want a relationship with you again. Please don’t tell me that the affair partner is the mother of the son?

OOP: She is. I got baby trapped during the affair (something she admitted) which I know makes this much worse. I think I could have maintained a relationship with my girls even after the divorce if I didn’t have to stay with my AP and didn’t have a new baby.

Commenter 2: You’re an adult who was married with existing children. You didn’t “have to stay with my AP”. You chose to abandon your family for your AP and her son

OOP: I have to stay with her because she’s a bad mother and I don’t trust her with our son. If we split up then she would have him at least 50% of the time. I would’ve left a long time ago if not for that.

[continued]

Commenter 1: i mean, you literally abandoned them for a girl half your age and a new kid. what did you expect?

OOP: I didn’t abandon them. I didn’t leave my family for my gf. I wanted to stay with my girls and my ex and work this out. My ex refused because the girls already knew about the affair and it wouldn’t be setting a good example and there was going to be another child involved that she wanted nothing to do with. But to be clear, I would’ve stayed with my family after the affair if given the choice. The affair was a stupid mistake born out of curiosity since my ex was the only woman I’ve ever been with. It was not something I was committed to or wanted to continue long term.

Commenter 3: My fiancé and I have only ever been together and we check in all of the time to talk about curiosity. We’ve decided if we ever choose to explore, we’re going to a sex worker because there won’t be feelings involved and it’ll be just sex. Did you ever have honest conversations like that with your ex? Why didn’t you talk it out before having an affair? Did you just plan on not getting caught? EDIT - I just read your previous post and holy wow. You are a fool and you have a lot of life left to live with the guilt of all your failures. You want to keep your relationship with your AP you “have something to show for” blowing up your life but what you should’ve done is breakup with her and coparent. If my dad did what you did, I’d just see you as a creepy, pathetic loser and I’d never want anything to do with you again for hurting my mom. You forfeited every Christmas, birthday, graduation, wedding, grandchild, so you could fuck someone …

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1icwyu6/new_update_how_can_i_42m_build_my_relationship/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    0·
    10 hours ago

    Update 2 posted on January 26, 2022

    UPDATE: How can I (42M) build my relationship back up with my kids (minor teens, Fx4) after an affair?

    Good news: my girlfriend and I have broken up. She has gone back to her home country and left my son with me. Refused to sign any formal custody agreement so I’m hoping she stays there and doesn’t bother us again. I’m pretty sure if she comes back and demands time with him I have a good case for maintaining custody. She’s not even interested in face timing with him so he remembers her. I feel bad that my son will deal with a shitty/absent mother but I hope I can get him into therapy as he grows.

    Bad news: I’ve tried my best to insist on visitation with my daughters and that has fallen through. They absolutely refused to see me. They wrote me a letter together that says how much they hate me, how betrayed they feel, how they’ll never forgive me and how my son will never be their brother. To not even bother telling him about them because they’ll never be interested in knowing him. Just to forget about them altogether and move on with my “new family”. I have no legal recourse. The youngest is 13 now, old enough to have a say in custody arrangements. And I don’t think forcing them to see me would do me any favours long term anyways.

    They also included pictures of their mother’s wedding. My ex has no obligation to tell me about her personal life but I’m pretty pissed that there is a man living with my daughters that I didn’t know about. It is a family friend that has been in their lives 10+ years so not a total stranger but still hurt to see pictures of their recent wedding and family pictures with my daughters. They mentioned that they have a father figure and don’t need me anyways.

    The whole thing really hurt. I know I have no right to feel hurt that my ex has moved on when I cheated on her. But their whole relationship has moved very fast so I’m now wondering if they started it before we got divorced. No way to know now. Doesn’t matter anyways.

    My ex agreed to keep me up to date and send pictures of my daughters once in a while. After dealing with my son’s mom, I’m grateful she is so good to our girls and I don’t have to worry about their well-being. I’m trying to focus on being a good dad to my son and patiently waiting for my girls to grow up and reach out. It may never happen but I’m hopeful that they will understand me more as they become adults and gain context for life.

    Comment made by OOP:

    Commenter (downvoted): OP, I’m taking a different stance. Although the children are aware of your cheating, ultimately that is between you and your ex wife, it’s none of the business of the kids. 100% on the wife for poisoning your memory in the eyes of the kids. A good woman would have said to the kids “yes he is with another woman, but he’s still your father and always will be, and he was always good to you, and I expect you guys to have a relationship with him.”

    OOP: My ex-wife didn’t have to tell them anything. My then girlfriend got pregnant while we were still married. My kids were teenagers and smart/educated enough about sex and relationships to put two and two together. It was obvious I cheated. I decided honesty was best and explained the whole situation. My ex was supportive of them having a relationship with me but did not force them (I didn’t want to force them either).

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      0·
      10 hours ago

      New Update posted on January 22, 2025 FINAL UPDATE: How do I (42M) build back my relationship with my daughters (13-19F)?

      I have been away for several years. Most of you have heard my story I won’t bore you with any of the details. I deleted my old account because I was too embarrassed to ever come back to it.

      I took the advice I was given. I left my daughters alone and have not heard from them since, which is understandable. I did finally get myself in therapy and realised what a gross piece of shit I was to the 5 most important people in the world to me at the time. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I needed to accept the fact that they were simply gone. Seven months after their final contact, I wrote my ex wife an email saying that I did not want any further updates on their lives and that I would never contact any of them again. She agreed and stopped sending me emails shortly afterwards.

      It was painful for a long while, and I thought I’d just punish myself forever. I agree with the general conclusion of the commenters that I was/am a narcissist, and in retrospect I probably had no business being a father. I began to read books more often in an effort to gain perspective, inbetween taking care of my son and doing the best I could to make sure I appreciated how horrible I was and probably still am.

      Five months ago one of the regulars at my place of business took an interest in me and asked me for my number. I was pretty wary for obvious reasons but I agreed. Knowing how prone I am to being an utter cunt to everyone I care about, I was pretty upfront with her that I had cheated on my ex wife and had no contact with my former family. I figured that would kill her interest, but surprisingly not. She did end up interrogating me pretty harshly over it, which I let her do because I definitely needed to be dressed down over it by someone besides my therapist.

      So now she and her 7 year old daughter (she was widowed three years ago) are with me in their house with my son and we seem to be tentatively forming a new family. I am very paranoid about something going wrong, so whenever I’m not working I always go straight to their place or mine and ask her to come over. I like to think I have learned my lesson, but many said on here said to me cheaters usually relapse. I have had zero desire to do so, but can a person truly change like that? I hope so. I will not cheat on her, I know it. But my past haunts me when I think about it.

      If my son ever asks me how things came to be I’ll tell him the truth when he’s old enough to understand: we may not be a family by blood, but the four of us ARE a family. And I will always be there for both of my kids.

      One thing that bothers me is how detached I feel from my previous family. I can honestly say I don’t love any of my former daughters anymore and they obviously don’t love me. And that’s…fine. I feel completely at peace with it. My son, his new sibling, and his new mother are my second chance, and I have embraced it. But what does that say about me? I spent 16 years with them and in less than three I have been able to completely emotionally detach from them. I have made it a point not to use social media so they can’t see my new life, and my girlfriend shares my disdain for it. But aside from that our existences do not affect one another anymore: they have a new father and role model, and I have a new family. It is done.

      That is all I have to say, reddit. Now feel free to tell me to fuck off, since I deserve it.