“Everyone will think you’re useless,” my brain tells me, as if every person thinks that way. It thinks I’ll be shunned if I ever need help or can’t do the same things others can. People will think I’m gross and want to stay away from me because this neck brace I have to wear makes me look like some kind of sick, feral creature. I could never get a partner because I would be too much of an economic burden and my chronic conditions take the fun out of everything.
What’s my source for this? My narcissistic father, who always tells me that I’m a useless failure who will never succeed. He told me that people would react in that way. My lived experience refutes many of his claims, but apparently that didn’t stop me from internalizing them. Maybe I should start wearing earplugs around that guy.
I’m getting ready to touch grass for the first time on my own since I become disabled 3 years ago. I know things won’t be easy, but I also know that this kind of self-defeating thinking is more than useless and literally why it took me 3 years to want to go out in the first place.
Maybe I should reject my father’s framing entirely. Why can’t I put a positive spin on it? The world threw a bunch of bullshit at me, and my presence alone is proof that I didn’t give up. I kept going. If people see that as weak, that’s their problem.
I should stand in solidarity with everyone else fighting through their own bullshit and we can help each other in whatever ways we can. Life wasn’t meant to be a singleplayer game. We’re in this together, and I can find like-minded people who recognize that.
I hope my defiant spirit that’s ready to kick some ass and make lots of buddies wins out.
Hi! 😃
Please don’t ever think you’re a burden on others because of something that is out of your control. You’re a human being first and foremost and not a human doing. Your father honestly sounds like a very toxic person and I would advise going no-contact or limit contact if possible because being in close contact with him does not sound like a healthy environment to be in. I’m so sorry you have to deal with such a person because I am sure it’s very draining. It can also be very difficult and frustrating to deal with internalized ableism but it’s something that can be helped.
Having a disability on its own can impact a person’s confidence, and it’s understandable why your father’s statements would affect it, but you’re ready to do things on your own and that’s a great stepping stone! I hope that in the process, you meet some far less toxic and less judgemental people too. Your father may be related to you by blood, but please know that it has no bearing on the truthfulness of his words.
You kept going and stayed determined, which is great! You can cross that off a list of goals you have in mind, and you’re already succeeding at what you want to do. I’m not sure if you’ve already tried this, but sometimes it can help if you write down statements you want to get out of your head on paper, and then destroy it (I know someone who found this helpful, they would burn the paper. I don’t personally recommend using fire though!)
I honestly wish the best for you and hope things turn out in the best way possible and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. Go kick some ass!!
