I’m sorry things have been hard. It’s okay to not be okay. And don’t worry, I only saw this two post days later, so we’re even.

Well. I am having fun with paranoia. I keep being pulled out of sleep. I’ll just wake up for no reason and then not be able to go back to sleep. Then I make the mistake of going online, and I see allusions of reference, inside jokes and hidden meanings in every. single. thing. I hear a girl in my head screaming at me to stfu, either far away outside or in my head. It’s like tinnitus but verbal abuse. She’s doing it right now. It almost never stops. I feel hated and like I should perish. I’m low functioning and have been for a while, can’t clean my space because I can’t think clearly enough or focus or remember things. My diet is not great-lots of microwave junk-but at least trying a little bit. Like I’ll make a lazy meal a lot of the time-mac n cheese or ramen, but I’ll add in chopped vegetables. It’s the best I can do for now. I know how to cook, just can’t at this time.

I feel terrible, ngl. My self worth is nonexistent. There is no self worth present. I enjoy drawing but I am a shell of myself. Nothing else has meaning to me. I could walk away from everything and probably wouldn’t care. Only things that I still have feelings for are cats, nature, music, and drawing. My belongings have lost their meaning. I feel like I’m in someone else’s house that’s been abandoned for a long time. I feel watched 24/7, I can’t stop thinking about stupid things like the tech bros and brogrammers are all out to get me. Why did this delusion have to be so cringe, I would prefer if it was something more interesting like, I’ve been chosen by aliens to help create a hybrid race. I did think I had telekinesis when I was a kid for a couple of months. I remember going through acute stress at the time, and I think that delusion was borne out of the need to try to insert some control or magic back into my life where I felt there was none at the time.

I have no shame about sharing this even if it might be ridiculous and batsht crazy and tmi. This is a place to talk about mental health. If people are unsettled by me talking openly about my issues in a mental health support group, then I can’t help them with that. Watching Special Books for Special Kids, TED talks and interviews with other folks with mental illness is the one thing that has helped me not feel alone or like an absolute freak.

I have been seriously thinking about going inpatient to get everything sorted. It’s rough at the moment. I’m just paranoid about what will happen there, it’s the only thing stopping me.