Learning about Trump’s plan to level the American national forests has me spiraling thinking we are facing an extinction event in the coming decades.

So, not great.

Mother’s cat went home so now I’m with my thoughts which is bad. Also with tooth pain, which is bad.

The kitten can also in the bedroom again so it’s nap time with the kitten and that’s good.

Still on the long, slow road to some sort of diagnosis. Going through the government system and it’s been hair pulling to say the least. But on Monday I’m going back in to see the psychiatric nursing sister. And apparently that’s going to literally just be so that she can refer me to the main government psychiatrist for this region.

And who knows how it’ll take from that point because this Monday appointment is a full month since my last appointment there. Haven’t had any sort of prognosis yet but when the nurses were taking my blood, even though they were speaking Xhosa, I picked up the word “autism” again and again. So we’ll see but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be joining the ranks of late dx adults and honestly it all seems so obvious to me now.

This waiting and waiting and waiting for things that could be done over the phone or email sucks though. It’s like when you have something planned for 14:00, which of course means that you can’t do anything else constructive for the entire day before that because reasons. Expect this thing that’s planned is at some undetermined date in the future and instead of wasting the day, it’s days and weeks and months.

I’m sorry things have been hard. It’s okay to not be okay. And don’t worry, I only saw this two post days later, so we’re even.

Well. I am having fun with paranoia. I keep being pulled out of sleep. I’ll just wake up for no reason and then not be able to go back to sleep. Then I make the mistake of going online, and I see allusions of reference, inside jokes and hidden meanings in every. single. thing. I hear a girl in my head screaming at me to stfu, either far away outside or in my head. It’s like tinnitus but verbal abuse. She’s doing it right now. It almost never stops. I feel hated and like I should perish. I’m low functioning and have been for a while, can’t clean my space because I can’t think clearly enough or focus or remember things. My diet is not great-lots of microwave junk-but at least trying a little bit. Like I’ll make a lazy meal a lot of the time-mac n cheese or ramen, but I’ll add in chopped vegetables. It’s the best I can do for now. I know how to cook, just can’t at this time.

I feel terrible, ngl. My self worth is nonexistent. There is no self worth present. I enjoy drawing but I am a shell of myself. Nothing else has meaning to me. I could walk away from everything and probably wouldn’t care. Only things that I still have feelings for are cats, nature, music, and drawing. My belongings have lost their meaning. I feel like I’m in someone else’s house that’s been abandoned for a long time. I feel watched 24/7, I can’t stop thinking about stupid things like the tech bros and brogrammers are all out to get me. Why did this delusion have to be so cringe, I would prefer if it was something more interesting like, I’ve been chosen by aliens to help create a hybrid race. I did think I had telekinesis when I was a kid for a couple of months. I remember going through acute stress at the time, and I think that delusion was borne out of the need to try to insert some control or magic back into my life where I felt there was none at the time.

I have no shame about sharing this even if it might be ridiculous and batsht crazy and tmi. This is a place to talk about mental health. If people are unsettled by me talking openly about my issues in a mental health support group, then I can’t help them with that. Watching Special Books for Special Kids, TED talks and interviews with other folks with mental illness is the one thing that has helped me not feel alone or like an absolute freak.

I have been seriously thinking about going inpatient to get everything sorted. It’s rough at the moment. I’m just paranoid about what will happen there, it’s the only thing stopping me.

Uhh, bad. I’m holding up objectively well under the circumstances compared to the past, but the circumstances are… You know.

Trying to maintain stability and finding myself at a very meh level. Politics is crazy, taxes are looming, but thankfully I have a great network. Something has been nagging at me quite a bit though and I’m still noodling over it: what’s the point of it all? I made the decision to not have kids years ago and seeing all my friends have kids makes me feel that my path has less meaning than theirs. Just trying to understand my own path in life.

I’ll say to you the same bit of wisdom that I try to give myself: life is a complex series of mishaps and accidents so don’t be too hard on yourself :)

Bad

Not so great, but at the time perfectly fine. Usually pretty okay. My psychologist told me that I have aspd but that what he considers me is a primary psychopath. It just doesn’t sound very good, and I like to manage what others see about me.

Having a tiny bit of slow-work time at an office, after I got almost burned out under unrealistic deadlines pressure.

Hoping it’ll get better for you!