First I just want to say that I wish this community was busier. There’s still major things missing from R*ddit around here on Lemmy. Namely, actual discussion. In all areas, like even the punk subreddit was great for actual discussion and not just dumping links and shit. And as far as gender identity goes, I’m not sure how different my mindset would be right now if it wasn’t for the non-binary and genderqueer subs on R*ddit being around and just having other people’s stories to read and interact with.
But to the actual post. Not so long ago, I boldly and confidently declared that I’m agender. And I truly felt it at the time. Which honestly has just made it so much more obvious just how many times daily and for how many reasons I wish I was afab. And it can’t be exactly true that I’m no gender if this is how things are.
However, I remain under the non-binary umbrella because I know that I will probably never* take steps to change my physical body or even start asking people to address me in a certain way. Not going to even share these thoughts and feelings with family, or even a therapist. And I haven’t even been in contact with a lot of my friends for years and in this already religious conservative leaning country that I’m in, I have no doubt that a lot have gone down Joe Rogan looking rabbit holes in the years since. I’ve even had one old friend catch up out of the blue, which I was quite happy about at first, who then sent me a Jordan Peterson link and I kinda ghosted that conversation and haven’t spoken to him since. So I’ve told exactly one (1) person in my life, a decades long online friend that I’ve never even met in real life lol.
So based on societal pressures and various other things, not excluding imposter syndrome, I begrudgingly accept my shell despite my inner feelings. I begrudgingly accept being something ‘other’ or ‘in between’ and that I will never be either. And anyone that wants to claim that this is some sort of fad is out of their god damned mind. Because it’s actually kinda shit. The world is full of “men” and “women” labels on arbitrary, cultural and non-biological shit. And being man shaped but also not only pretty much disgusted with the current state of ‘masculinity’ but also yearning to be surrounded by things and people with the ‘women’ label is shit. And I think a double source of guilt and imposter syndrome is being man shaped, feeling this way but also being attracted to women shaped people.
So yeah, it’s all fucked up. After a couple of years of this journey and thinking that I had answers, turns out that I still don’t really know who I am or where I belong. Or if this state of being just dooms me to be alone and seeking connection in random corners of the internet in a binary world. But it’s also all good because actually life has always been this way and I’ve got this far.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re feeling. Being AMAB nonbinary is really hard. I feel envious of pretty much everyone else: of AFAB nonbinary people who have so much more space given to them by society, of binary trans people who feel euphoria and clarity when transitioning, and may eventually pass, but most of all of cis people who just naturally fit in as who they are.
I’m currently taking low dose estrogen, but it’s not really having the effects I’d like yet and I’m constantly feeling conflicted about it, unsure whether I should double it or stop it.
However I would really recommend that you DO try HRT, as it’s worth exploring, and it has mental effects as well. It’s an incremental process, so you’ll be able to boymode without difficulty for quite a while, and you can stop whenever if it’s not what you want. And if you are wanting to wear makeup and jewelry etc. looking more feminine, even subtly, will actually make you stand out less.
Lastly, there are plenty of good women out there that will pick up on your feminine side and accept you. I have friends including cis women who I think genuinely don’t view me as a man, despite me still appearing as such.
I haven’t figured out how to date though. It’s really rough being too feminine for straight women and too masculine for gay women. I’ve never been able to fulfill gendered expectations, when I experience a sapphic style of attraction, and I’m terrified of being seen as a creepy aggressive man.
I have seen people report that it seems to have a beneficial effect on mental health before you see any physical effects, which intrigues me. Your remark about wondering to double the dose or stop makes it seem like you’re doing this on your own without a doc. And I hadn’t considered that as an option to try, assuming I’m on the right track.
And yeah, as far as friendship goes, I’ve definitely found a different kind of friendship depending on men or women. I would be lying if I said I haven’t had good male friends in my life. Usually based around music and movies and games and shit. But the real mask off friendships that I’ve had over the years and Deep Meaningful Conversations™ into the early hours of the morning have been with women.
Relationships and attraction, on the other hand, have been generally pretty messy for me though. For a number of reasons. It’s been years since I even last put myself out there though, to be honest.