For starters, I’m a 20-year-old man. My family is very Christian, so I am traditional and I have never met a gay family member. If it was, and I’m sure it was, it was never talked about.
Well, when I was 15, I met Greg, the same guy who made me realize I was bisexual when he introduced me to be my boyfriend.
Because of my internalized homophobia, this relationship is over. I have had and still have many mental problems that make me feel bad. I was mean to others, I pushed them away. I would get attached to them and then I would find out that they are bad.
Greg was one of my attachments. Now that I’m 20, I’m attached to him again, but I’ve been very rude to him, so I’m sure he doesn’t like me, even though he used to have feelings for me. I told him I hated him, I pushed him, shouted at him. Am I a bad person? :(
I wouldn’t go that far, I think it’s a very relevant detail for OP’s situation.
Internalized homophobia is a real and unfortunate phenomenon for people who grew up in restrictive environments, and it can result in a lot of self-hatred and mental distress, including diagnosable disorders.
And the worst part about it is the shame some people feel about the whole thing might have them feeling that talking to a doctor or therapist is simply not an option, as they are not prepared to be “out” to others, even under the protection of medical confidentiality. The very idea of being out can be internalized as a failure, especially if it would burn bridges with bigoted family members (which is easy to say from the outside looking in that bigots aren’t worth your time anyways, but not so easy when that is your entire support network and every happy memory you had since childhood).
It’s definitely not simple, at any rate.