Let’s have a lunch and learn!
Flywheel. Stop.
Anything they use to replace the word “layoffs”.
Rightsizing
Fun sizing
Excising.
“Department / Corporate Retreat”
As in, “we’re holding our annual corporate retreat next Wednesday! It’ll be offsite, you’re all required to be there, and we’ll be spending the day having a 6 hour meeting about absolutely nothing, just like we do every year. But dont worry, when we’re done we’ll play a game no one wants to play, or do a craft no one wants to do, but everyone will pretend they enjoy it because if they don’t, they’re not ‘team players.’”
This year, our day-long-nothing-meeting was about how management is working to secure everyone’s jobs despite budget cuts, and we have nothing to worry about. Then we took a personality quiz that said I was a character from Stranger Things. Then the next day, they told me I’m getting laid off and have 3 months left at the company.
Fucking RETREATS are so relaxing.
- bandwidth
- massage
- ping
I used to have a coworker who would also say things like “I’ll ping you after the meeting” and I’d chuckle because it sounded so stupid.
One day he asked me why I was smirking and I lied and told him “You know what ‘pinging’ means, right? It’s the act of putting a metal rod in your urethra and tapping it with a tuning fork.”
He NEVER said it again.
He NEVER said [ping] again.
Alright, I’ll peg you instead!
I always think of the
pingcommand line utility because I haven’t really used the word outside that context ever.
What do you have against massages? I find them relaxing.
I don’t remember what it was exactly but someone said something along the lines of “we’ll need to massage it a bit as we roll it out” regarding a new system being implemented.
Oh god I’ve heard that one many times before as well. It’s like adult baby talk
I don’t mind lunch and learns. I get overtime for that, AND they buy me lunch. I’m either stuck near the office for an unproductive hour I don’t get paid for, or at my desk working on the same shit I was earlier for an extra hour.
But all the bullshit buzzwords attempting to paint employees standing up for themselves as bad things are obnoxious as hell: quiet quitting and the like
Yeah… bring your own sack lunch and it’s “voluntary”, so no OT. That the lunch and learn I’m familiar with anyway.
That’s them half assing it, not a knock on the actual thing.
“Good catch!”
Usually said when you bring up something that needs fixing, and said as a way to puff you up and not actually follow up on the problem.
“Good catch!”
We ‘nice catch’ each other all day. We celebrate when people find dumb shit, especially when it’s our dumb shit. We positively reinforce that natural code review and checking one another in the name of safety.
But I work with a bunch of pros on some private-possum shit, and that’s culture they’ve preserved from before the 2005 dark ages began. If you don’t know what positive reinforcement sounds like, I get it. Learning’s fun.
If you don’t know what positive reinforcement sounds like, I get it.
No, no. It’s words that sound like positive reenforcement be repurposed by people who don’t want to deal with it
Effectuate
I’m going to effectuate this pole right up the ass of the next person to use that word.
I can’t think of a sentence in which it doesn’t sound heavy handed.
Please effectuate the reports. Accounting will effectuate the invoice. HR has effectuated the hire.
👉👈
- Holistic
- Double Click
- Table Stakes
- Jump Ball
- Blocking & Tackling
“We’re family”
#1 toxic workplace red flag
Unrelated but I only recently realised that when someone says they believe in family values it means they want to impose their definition of “family” on everyone else.
From an employer I guess when they refer to family they’re really referring to a bond beyond work, which basically means they’re expecting more from you than you’re paid for?
I’ve found from employers it tends to mean “we should be valued and given time at least on par, but we’ll push for more, than your actual family. Work will call you at any time of day or night and you should be ready to drop everything and get in on no notice.”
I fell for this once. Thought it sounded great. Everyone at that place hated each other, constantly spread rumors and sabotaged each other’s work.
Referring to people, staff as resources. Nice and dehumanizing.
An old line manager referred to me as a resource in front of me once. I should have told her to fuck off.
I’ve heard “human capital” before. The soulless fucks make others a commodity by stripping the mere mention of their existance of its humanity.
Please socialise the requirement throughout your teams
The Q3 numbers have a life of their own. Growing, shrinking, zig zagging all over the place. Pushing needles, pulling levers. And fyi, the roi is tbd. high five synergy!
This sounds like an Eric Andre sketch
when they give thier non-apology apologies.
Let’s take it offline
My thoughts exactly…Every time I walk by the door that says “server room.”
“It doesn’t scale”, meaning the company might have to (shudder) hire people if our business doubles.
