I hope this is ok to post here. I will remain as vague as possible.

For many years I’ve been addicted to porn. I tried to crack down on it, and while I’ve stumbled about some, my viewing of it has gone down dramatically. It used to be several hours a day, but Its been only a time or two a week now. Been like this for maybe two months now.

I used to frequent discords that revolved around sharing nsfw material, as well as finding other people to share this content with in dms with each others. I took part in this.

To keep it brief: There was some sharing of some pretty wild things. Things that even people who are on the kinky side of things may raise their eyebrows at. But never illegal. Never involving anything age related. Always concensual.

All that said, I would feel gross with myself after the fact. And I would wish that I didn’t like that sort of stuff.

For the past couple months the only adult content I’ve viewed has been your standard front page kind of stuff. Maybe some slight kinky things involved, but nowhere near what it used to be. And in this time I’ve been comparing it all to earlier, and I feel so gross and freaked out.

I know I never requested or put out any illegal material. But I am sweating over the idea that maybe someone I spoke to wasn’t who they said they were. I always looked for people 25+. I wouldn’t even go below that age. And I would make it very clear to the person I spoke with what I was looking for. But again and again I am worrying that maybe someone wasn’t telling the truth. No one specific. Just the possibility that at some point there may have been someone who wasnt.

And then even the content itself has me worried. Like I’m about to be called out or caught for it. I needed some background noise while doing something today. So some videos on youtuber were playing of predators getting caught on police body cams. I kept thinking to myself “is that me? Am I like that?” I can’t think of a single time I did what these people did. But still I’m thinking “Oh no, why do I feel like that’s me?”.

I’m feeling this urge to hide. Like I’ve done something really bad. Or like someone is on to me. Or like I’m evil. I’m just scared and sad and worried. I wanted to change and be better. And maybe my actions can change, but I don’t feel like I’m fundamentally always going to be just as bad. I feel evil.

  • SavvyWolf@pawb.socialEnglish
    62·
    12 days ago

    Hi there, kinky furry here whose been going through similar feelings of guilt. A lot of the guilt comes from the purity fascism that is unfortunately spreading across the west.

    For many years I’ve been addicted to porn

    “Porn addition” isn’t really a thing. Well, it’s a thing in the same sense that “video game addiction” or “TV addiction” is a thing, but it’s not intrinsically a kind of addiction like alcohol or drugs. A good way to check for addiction is to ask yourself “have I cancelled plans with friends/work because of this” or “is this getting in the way of me taking care of myself”. I think the “normal amount” is jacking off once a day, so several hours a day every day is a bit much. But all that tells me is that you free time to find other hobbies. Of course, no harm in coming home after a long stressful day of work and wanting to strip down and be a puppy for a few hours.

    To keep it brief: There was some sharing of some pretty wild things. Things that even people who are on the kinky side of things may raise their eyebrows at. But never illegal. Never involving anything age related. Always concensual.

    If other people raise their eyebrows at it, then that’s their problem. As long as all people involved give explicit, informed consent (children and animals can’t give consent), it’s fine. You seem to have a working knowledge of consent, so that probably puts you in the top 50% of kinksters…

    All that said, I would feel gross with myself after the fact. And I would wish that I didn’t like that sort of stuff.

    It’s the effect of hormones, I’m afraid. When doing anything sexual, your body is being flooded with all sorts of hormones. When you finish, those hormones settle down and your guilt and anxiety manages to get its foothold back and latch onto the “bad” things you just did.

    Just the possibility that at some point there may have been someone who wasnt.

    You did your due diligence (or relied on others to do their due diligence), don’t worry about it.

    And then even the content itself has me worried. Like I’m about to be called out or caught for it.

    Yeah, I get that a lot myself. It’s all due to this fucking purity fascism thing going on around now. That any deviation from the norm is bad and harmful. I wish I had some solutions, but the only advice I can give is to be aware of it and let facts guide you rather than guilt.

    I kept thinking to myself “is that me? Am I like that?” I can’t think of a single time I did what these people did. But still I’m thinking “Oh no, why do I feel like that’s me?”.

    Can you identify why what they are doing is wrong and not do whatever that is? If so, then you have nothing to worry about. Again, guilt and anxiety. I get the same.

    I feel evil.

    In the past society felt gays were evil. That left handed people were evil. That non-Christians were evil. That people from other countries were evil. It’s a tactic from those in power to create fear and compliance in their people. Being kinky isn’t evil. Watching porn isn’t evil. You’ve just let the anxiety demons grab hold and mess with your way of thinking.