I hope this is ok to post here. I will remain as vague as possible.
For many years I’ve been addicted to porn. I tried to crack down on it, and while I’ve stumbled about some, my viewing of it has gone down dramatically. It used to be several hours a day, but Its been only a time or two a week now. Been like this for maybe two months now.
I used to frequent discords that revolved around sharing nsfw material, as well as finding other people to share this content with in dms with each others. I took part in this.
To keep it brief: There was some sharing of some pretty wild things. Things that even people who are on the kinky side of things may raise their eyebrows at. But never illegal. Never involving anything age related. Always concensual.
All that said, I would feel gross with myself after the fact. And I would wish that I didn’t like that sort of stuff.
For the past couple months the only adult content I’ve viewed has been your standard front page kind of stuff. Maybe some slight kinky things involved, but nowhere near what it used to be. And in this time I’ve been comparing it all to earlier, and I feel so gross and freaked out.
I know I never requested or put out any illegal material. But I am sweating over the idea that maybe someone I spoke to wasn’t who they said they were. I always looked for people 25+. I wouldn’t even go below that age. And I would make it very clear to the person I spoke with what I was looking for. But again and again I am worrying that maybe someone wasn’t telling the truth. No one specific. Just the possibility that at some point there may have been someone who wasnt.
And then even the content itself has me worried. Like I’m about to be called out or caught for it. I needed some background noise while doing something today. So some videos on youtuber were playing of predators getting caught on police body cams. I kept thinking to myself “is that me? Am I like that?” I can’t think of a single time I did what these people did. But still I’m thinking “Oh no, why do I feel like that’s me?”.
I’m feeling this urge to hide. Like I’ve done something really bad. Or like someone is on to me. Or like I’m evil. I’m just scared and sad and worried. I wanted to change and be better. And maybe my actions can change, but I don’t feel like I’m fundamentally always going to be just as bad. I feel evil.
I don’t know what kind of life or experience you’ve lead to have this kind of repressed and frightened mindset. Gooner communities are a little weird but that’s about it. Sexuality isn’t a bad thing at all, although the addiction and amount of time spent you mention indicate that it might interfere with other parts of your life.
No one is out to get you, even if some image got shared with you of someone slightly underage and you didn’t realize it.
I’m more concerned with how hard you are on yourself and how negatively you portray yourself given the relatively benign details. What makes you feel evil? That’s the part that’s wild to me.
I don’t know if I truly feel evil or am just terrified of some punishment.
Well, you sound considerate and thoughtful. You aren’t evil.
But I would strongly interrogate these feelings and maybe look into therapy. I’m at least glad a few of us here could give you some grace and hopefully a slightly better outlook. Good luck with your struggles.
It took me a long time to figure this out but - would you judge a friend for having kinks? If it was someone else, not you, who was into whatever this is, would you treat them how you are treating yourself?
Think of yourself as a friend, don’t judge. If you aren’t wanting something truly non consensual, don’t judge yourself. Enjoy what you enjoy, you probably are not the only one who does.
Now - having said all that, I’m assuming that you really do enjoy what you enjoy. There are situations where you get sort of dragged along by an algorithm, not something coming from your own desire. In that case sure, maybe de-escalate some and see if you get more enjoyment that way. But still, don’t judge. You did not build that algorithm.
Hi. Really appreciate your response. And I can agree with this.
Like I told someone else, though: the concern isn’t just the kinks. It is was the type of material involved. Now, I never went for anything illegal. But it toes a moral line, and maybe a legal one. There is also the fact that my kink was viewing porn with other people, and I used discord dms for this.
It was 100% consensual. But out of all the people I met who did this my worry is that the chances of any one of them being a minor is not 0%. And so that has me feeling gross and worried as well. I could barely sleep.
I hope you can let this go. It was not your intent to do something illegal and you almost certainly didn’t accidentally do anything illegal either.
It is ok to like even gross things, lol. Women make money on onlyfans doing things I find gross but they have a paying audience. You are obviously not alone if you found others who were into the same stuff. It’s going to be ok.
Don’t overreact. Breathe, give yourself grace, you are a person like all of us.
And again I hope you can relax soon.
I want to leave the behavior behind me. But I will try to relax and just move forward the best I can.
If you are being fully honest about your conduct, then there’s nothing to worry about. If you worry about your computer camera and your privacy, then just put a little Magic Tape over the lense. The frost effect allows for privacy while still allowing for light to go through.
Don’t kink shame yourself.
What do you mean by still allowing light through? Why would this matter?
If the lense is covered by something fully opaque, like masking tape or electrical tape, it will register as obstructed. Magic Tape™ allows image to come through at full brightness levels, but it is nothing but a massive blur.
EDIT: It is also inconspicuous when applied correctly.
It’s not really the privacy that concerns me. I’m just so depressed and anxious over what I used to do. And worried that I’ll be punished for it.
Hi there, kinky furry here whose been going through similar feelings of guilt. A lot of the guilt comes from the purity fascism that is unfortunately spreading across the west.
For many years I’ve been addicted to porn
“Porn addition” isn’t really a thing. Well, it’s a thing in the same sense that “video game addiction” or “TV addiction” is a thing, but it’s not intrinsically a kind of addiction like alcohol or drugs. A good way to check for addiction is to ask yourself “have I cancelled plans with friends/work because of this” or “is this getting in the way of me taking care of myself”. I think the “normal amount” is jacking off once a day, so several hours a day every day is a bit much. But all that tells me is that you free time to find other hobbies. Of course, no harm in coming home after a long stressful day of work and wanting to strip down and be a puppy for a few hours.
To keep it brief: There was some sharing of some pretty wild things. Things that even people who are on the kinky side of things may raise their eyebrows at. But never illegal. Never involving anything age related. Always concensual.
If other people raise their eyebrows at it, then that’s their problem. As long as all people involved give explicit, informed consent (children and animals can’t give consent), it’s fine. You seem to have a working knowledge of consent, so that probably puts you in the top 50% of kinksters…
All that said, I would feel gross with myself after the fact. And I would wish that I didn’t like that sort of stuff.
It’s the effect of hormones, I’m afraid. When doing anything sexual, your body is being flooded with all sorts of hormones. When you finish, those hormones settle down and your guilt and anxiety manages to get its foothold back and latch onto the “bad” things you just did.
Just the possibility that at some point there may have been someone who wasnt.
You did your due diligence (or relied on others to do their due diligence), don’t worry about it.
And then even the content itself has me worried. Like I’m about to be called out or caught for it.
Yeah, I get that a lot myself. It’s all due to this fucking purity fascism thing going on around now. That any deviation from the norm is bad and harmful. I wish I had some solutions, but the only advice I can give is to be aware of it and let facts guide you rather than guilt.
I kept thinking to myself “is that me? Am I like that?” I can’t think of a single time I did what these people did. But still I’m thinking “Oh no, why do I feel like that’s me?”.
Can you identify why what they are doing is wrong and not do whatever that is? If so, then you have nothing to worry about. Again, guilt and anxiety. I get the same.
I feel evil.
In the past society felt gays were evil. That left handed people were evil. That non-Christians were evil. That people from other countries were evil. It’s a tactic from those in power to create fear and compliance in their people. Being kinky isn’t evil. Watching porn isn’t evil. You’ve just let the anxiety demons grab hold and mess with your way of thinking.
You seem to have some sex shame related to what you want sexually. Nothing wrong with having hangups about that since it’s pretty common. Nothing wrong with having kinks even those that are out of the mainstream or even dark. As long as you find a place or person(s) that they can be done safely and consensually nothing wrong with that.
Some current research suggest that kinks have an inborn characteristic similar to sexual orientation. This inborn part does then attaches to some cultural symbols or stimulus.
So relax about what you like and find a way to get it healthy in you life. Sex made you and is more powerful than you. The number of people who have been brought down by ignoring this fact is innumerable. I would recommend reading and listening to Dan Savage. Hearing about other sex positive people’s life and problems can give you some perspective.
Thank you for your kind words.
But let me say that while I do feel a lot of shame over having been so immersed in porn and kink, it’s less about that, and more about the content itself.
I never actively sought out illegal material, and made effort to avoid it. But some of this stuff may have gotten close to the line, at least morally if not legally. And part of the kink was to share it mutually with other people. And my worry is that somewhere in all that time one of the people I DMd with may have not been truthful about their age. I can’t know that’s what happened. But to me it feels within reason to say the chances of that were not 0%.
So I’m just grossed out with myself and worried.
I’ve been told it sounds like OCD. Was not aware it caused this sort of thinking. So I’m just not sure what to feel about myself, or how guilty I should feel.
It sounds like you might have OCD. I would talk to a therapist. You can manage or get rid of all of these bad feelings with work and guidance.
What can I do if I don’t think I can afford therapy
Are you in the USA? Are you a minor?
I am in the US. No, I am in my 30’s.
If you can’t afford it you can look into Medicaid. Some therapists also offer cash discounts for the uninsured. If you are employed you can look into your workplace’s employee assistance program. Many of them offer free counseling.
Sex is wierd. I mean even plain jane missionary style. If you think about it without the horniness its like. How could anyone enjoy this?
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