I saw this in a comment on HB a while back and while the title may not describe you, they discussion about gender within it may be helpful.

How important is your gender identity to you?

Personally, my gender means nothing to me, but I didn’t know that for a very long time. I wanted to live my life how I wanted, like what I wanted, present myself how I wanted, but that often contradicts what others expect from me. I’ve always been frustrated by how much attention others have put on my gender, using it as a weapon to put me down, exclude me, or say I can’t do something. To this day it is used to saddle me with expectations I don’t want, exclude me from support I need, and judge my platonic relationships with others. It feels like a nose that just won’t leave my asshole alone.

You can present yourself in ways and enjoy things that fit outside of the box that others seek to place you in and many people will punish you for this. That’s a failure on their part, not yours. From the outside, I appear to be a “normal man” but that is just a shallow description based upon stereotypes that people use to try to understand me. That is not me and that has no bearing on who I am. Only I can define who I am.

For me, trying to fit within the “boxes” of labels is stressful because it feels like I’m masking myself for others, trying to fit their expectations rather than being true to myself. Today, I typically reject these labels and just do what fits me and I am much happier for this. It took me until my thirties to embrace being myself but this does not mean I stopped changing or never question myself. Questioning yourself is how you grow.

Back to you…

Maybe it’s a good moment to step back and think about what is important to you. Why are you so focused on your gender identity? Why is it important: is that importance coming from within you or is it a reaction to the world you live in and other people? Are you struggling with other things in life that you cannot control and looking for something you can control?

Exploring these sorts of questions so that you better understand yourself. I’m partially projecting here because I think people have a tendency to get wrapped up in finding labels and fitting in a bit too much. Remember: labels can be helpful for understanding yourself, but they should not define you. People change as they progress through life and identities can change. Questioning yourself is perfectly normal. The answers you come up with to the questions above are valid and don’t need to match mine. They need to be a reflection of you.

Your comment about being excited to start hormones but then losing that enthusiasm after your first shot makes me think there might be something else going on? You also may be right in that its just the realities of the journey/nerves setting in. I defer help on that question to someone who is trans and has that experience. Maybe a post asking about others’ insecurities when deciding to transition and when beginning that process would give you some insight on how to figure this out?

The most important part of finding peace is to be true to yourself. You can change, you can be inconsistent, you can be unsure, you can fit outside of all the boxes, but you can also fit inside them too. I think you should spend some time reflecting on yourself: explore your emotions and motivations before you continue until you know what you want and why you want it. Read the comments in the HB thread Queercommie shared. If you have the means, seek out a therapist that you feel comfortable with (it took me a few therapists before finding one that fit me) and use their help to explore and better understand yourself (not to get their opinion on your gender). Therapy is not a quick process, but you can’t be true to yourself if you don’t know and understand yourself. Having some guidance and an impartial person to talk to and ask questions makes this easier.

Most importantly, know that as your comrades we will support you and respect the choices you make even if that means you need to spend some time trying out different things to figure out what best suits you. Our solidarity is not dependent on your gender identity and we will stand by you no matter who you decide you are.