I know I keep posting over and over but I’m in so much pain and I have no one or nowhere to go to when I am sad. I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?” “Why am I so easy to be given up on?” “Was I even special to him?” … I cannot stop crying. I feel hopeless right now. When we stopped talking for a couple days and I reached out for closure, he said not speaking for those three days makes him realize he should’ve been more appreciative of me and how hard I tried and all those things. But if he was saying those things then why not turn it around? 😔I sound like a hopeless romantic but I can’t wrap my head around anything anymore… the closure somehow made it worse I guess. I told him I forgive him for anything he thinks he did wrong. He appreciated that. I miss him so much. I miss our memories, I miss his face. Something deep down inside of me feels like I’m going to see his face again but I know that’s false reality. We never even got to talk to each other about these things in person. I just want to cry in his arms.
You must log in or register to comment.
I always suggest taking walks if the weather is nice. I recommend it to anyone. It’s free, not time consuming, pretty much anyone can do it in some form.
Walking works because it’s an action that doesn’t require thought. You can take in your surroundings, and place the focus on that instead of yourself. It’s the easiest way to get your mind off of something.
You can’t just walk all the time, but if the pain comes up, just walk. Leave your phone if you can, too.
I feel like a the rhythm of walking helps to moderate my thinking too. I make better decisions when walking, I’m calmer, I work things out. I’ve made key life decisions on long walks, and my partner and I deliberately take walks to work out difficult stuff. Great recommendation.
I feel like a the rhythm of walking helps to moderate my thinking too.
This is actual scientific fact. Walking is a great way to do bilateral stimulation which calms the body. It activated the vagus nerve and the and the parasympathetic nervous system. Not even counting the calming effect nature and being around a community does for you
I’m going to try to go out and get some sun today. I stayed in all day yesterday and today so far… just been eating and wanting to sleep. I’m so tired. But I’m going to grab a book, some music, walk, and see what happens then.
I don’t think I have a productive response that will somehow help you feel less pain. But as someone who is currently spiralling (although not as bad as I have) I can say that the pain diminishes, but never ceases to exist. Some people would recommend that you try to occupy yourself or try to get some “help”, but I know that only certain people actually get helped by the established processes of “mental health professionals”. I have adapted bad habits to cope. Drinking every night and trying to check-out. For people like us who can’t move on, we just need to find ways to at least continue to function, or we’ll find ourselves in progressively worse situations. Of course, that may just be conjecture, I don’t know you. But I can relate to being alone, brought to a point where we try to air out on a chat forum and receive validation and acceptance from strangers - because we don’t have anyone. Anyways, I’m always up to talk to pretty much anyone about pretty much anything. If you want to talk about it let me know.
I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can’t look into someone’s head and you might never get a definitive answer as to “why” and “how” and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.
Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.
The secret to getting over a relationship is opening yourself up to the pain, letting it run through you and sitting with it for a while… don’t try block it or replace it and It will fade.
I found some YouTubers that do therapy type videos very comforting. Check out Heidi Priebe and another channel called actualized.org.
I found it better to be watching and trying to understand / heal than wallowing in the pain. I hope things work out for you
I don’t know the details of your break up, but when I went through my last serious relationship where he broke up with me over text, I just stopped talking to him. Yes, I cried a lot because I was so confused and destroyed because hd kept telling me that it wasn’t anything that I’d done (found out later he was cheating), but I knew I had to move on.
I turned my sadness in to anger and picked up running and exercise. Endorphins helped a lot, and so did the mindset of “I’m going to be better, and he’s going to regret it, but I’ll never take him back.” Probably not an entirely healthy way of deal with it, but it worked. Still cried every night, but it worked. I then found another sport and just fell in love with it, so I focused entirely on that. I’m still doing this sport today.
You may never get the closure that you’re satisfied with. This you will also have to accept. He may not even be telling you the truth.
Make sure you have some supportive people around you, and keep yourself distracted. This is #1. Best of luck. You’re stronger than you think.
These kinds of things are not cut and dry, and shrinks are honestly still trying to figure out better ways to cope with grief all the time. Some folks choose to start a new relationship to get over a breakup, others like to just get all the emotion out in one go. It sounds like you’re dealing with invasive thoughts, and I’ve always found keeping myself occupied with things helps me tune them out.
You want to keep your mind off it. It’s an emotional wound, and the more you pick at it the more it’ll linger. You can come back to this when it hurts less and the situation is more distant, but focusing on yourself for now can do great things.
Exercise, Friends, Comfort. All these help you stay feeling human, and you should make sure to have these three things squared away, since they can help steady you.
Hobbies are great for occupying yourself. You focus on the project and try to just think through it. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy either. 100% a game, make a goal out of folding a certain amount of origami crafts, make a scrap book, learn a language, doodle, etc - it doesn’t really matter what it is so long as you have something to occupy you for a longer length of time.
Changes in setting can be good, too - but the right kind of routine can also help. It really depends on your preference.
And go easy on yourself. You’ll still have episodes for some time, and that’s OK.
I agree with 95% of this message but don’t love how it sounds like you’re encouraging them to try to force themselves to not think of it as it’ll just come back. I agree that finding things to do is great and will ease you out of the pain but if you’re trying to stay away from the painful thing the best you’ll get is being just unprepared for the next time it, or something similar, happens.
Hobbies and stuff are awesome for reminding yourself that you still have value outside of the relationship or that you can find new enjoyments and aren’t locked into only one way of being. They can also bring new friends, or at least aquaintances, and that can help bring variety. But trying to force not thinking about the issue will likely just delay it.
find a rebound and fuck the hell out of them
Tbh, with my last relationship I went crazy. I slept with many guys to fill the void … I mean… I did become numb. But I wouldn’t wanna rack up my body count more tbh. I am so touch deprived though. But in pain. So I won’t disagree with this
first - fuck this stupid gen z / millennial idea of a “body count”
it doesn’t matter. if it does matter to someone? they are trash and not worth your time.
this whole idea is rooted in incel/virgin men being jealous that you, as a woman, had more sex than they did; which is why they want a woman with zero experience. they figure the woman won’t k kw better sex and will happily settle.
(source: i’m a man and i know too many like this)
Honestly, people hate to hear this, but it isn’t the worst idea. Sometimes a brief fling is enough to reset the brain
Ayy so I got a game in 20 sec and can’t read all that but I promise you, you will heal with time. You will move on. But do something productive in the meantime. Become a better person - hit the gym, study for your next job hop, go for a hike, start a new hobby and meet friends - by being better, you’ll have a chance to slowly get better.
I’ll read your post after but you need to preoccupy your mins with other things.
Ripping off the band aid is hard, but this is just the start of the new section of your life that’ll be better than the last. Embrace the unknown and seek that better relationship, one where there’s no fear or anything. Maybe just improve and change yourself to be the person you want to become. The future is yours, and it can be quite exciting 😏
You got this, just gotta break the film loop playing over and over in your head.
Hey, I’m going through something very similar rn. She broke up with me about 5 months ago and it still hurts so much. I can’t stop thinking about her. You’re not alone. I wish I had a cure, but just like you, I don’t.
How are you fighting the urges to text them? Do u mind me asking how you guys split?
Ugh good question. In the beginning I still texted her. I didn’t want to but I was unable to resist the urge. I always challenged myself to not text her for as long as I could, usually a few days. About a month later I finally stopped to when she told me it’d be better for the both of us. And I already knew that she was right. To this day, I never texted her again even though the urge is still very present sometimes. Every time I want to, I just think about that it won’t do nothing. I don’t want to be together with a person who doesn’t love me.
I did recently text her parents again though. I basically lived with her family and I miss them too, a lot. Just thanked them for everything and kinda said goodbye. At least until I get over this, then we (me and her dad) might meet again since we share a hobby that we want to do together.
We split because, long story short, she discovered that she doesn’t love me anymore. No specific reason. At least she couldn’t tell me one. She didn’t want me to be completely gone, she wanted to be normal friends but not in a relationship. I told her that this is impossible for me, it would destroy me even more, seeing someone I love who doesn’t love me back.
I’m so so sorry for this. It’s nice but probably also sad that you and her family are still close, especially her father. I don’t believe that one can just fall out of love to be honest… how? :( I feel like that’s normal with being with someone, especially for a long time. I think it’s all about reviving the relationship (doing things you used to do in the beginning, cute planned dates, etc) I know I shouldn’t be talking but I just never understood how someone can fall out of love, especially after so much time and love poured in. Why? :(and that’s how I felt remaining friends with him, I loved him and still do so much but I know I was nothing but a platonic bond to him after the breakup.
I wish I could tell you how that works… But apparently it does. There are probably reasons that she doesn’t know herself. It also took her a while to figure out where the “wrong feeling” came from. It really sucked for me too, feeling that something is wrong it the relationship without having any idea why or what. Turns out it was the lack of love I received. Reviving the relationship was also my idea as soon as I knew. But she did not want to. And I realized that if the other person isn’t interested in saving it, you alone have no chance.
Now I’m just afraid that I won’t find someone that nice again. And if I ever do, when?
I feel this. When me and him split I tried so hard for 2 months to try and fix things and try to get the relationship back but he said there was no hope and it crushed me. I spent every day of those two months crying and spiralling. And yep, I realized that too, I was wasting my time and effort because if they didn’t want to, then nothing will change :/ and that itself was such a hard pill to swallow. I know you’re afraid but you will either time, I sound hypocritical because I think the same too but I know it’s not true… it took me 5 years after my last relationship to be able to say “I love you” to him and mean it. I never felt that way, hence why I’m CRUSHED right now. But I’m here if you want to message me and vent about anything you’re thinking of or want to get off of ur chest without judgement.
Yeah exactly, it simply is the worst.
Yk, one the one side I know that I most likely will meet someone as nice or nicer again but at the same time I’m still afraid that I won’t. It just sounds impossible, even though I know it’s not. It’s weird. But thank you for that offer, seriously. Same goes for you too, of course.
You will and so will I, but we just won’t ever know how long it’ll take :| I can’t imagine myself falling for another guy to be honest. Went out the other day for my friends bday and her bf brought his friend so I don’t third wheel and I t made me miss him 100x more. Also saw someone who resembled him and tried to not cry on the street, I can’t have ruined her bday. But damn it hurt like a bitch.
Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups. So you’re mourning the idea of a successful relationship you thought you had or wanted to have (perfectly normal thing to grieve over!), but you can also celebrate that you’re now one major hurdle closer to the right relationship.
It’s a fresh start and now you’re armed with a whole lot more knowledge about what your boundaries should be, what to look for (or out for) next time.
Basically, the glass is half full! In fact, it’s more full than empty if you really take stock.
Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups.
lol what. I’ve had several relationships that were good, and then we broke up. We’re still friends, but it became apparent that we were no longer good for each other as partners. People grow and change. That doesn’t invalidate the time we spent together.
I know it’s easy to say but time will help, hope you feel better soon
I know this isn’t super helpful right now but hear me out.
This has been many many years ago but I went through a separation for over a year, got back together, and then eventually divorced. Swore I would never put my kid through what I went through as a kid but ended up doing it anyway. Absolute worst pain I’d ever felt at the time. Lost my house, went without a car for a while. Had to move back in with my mom. Pain eventually started to subside. Met another wonderful woman. Eventually got married again. My life is way better now than what I would have been had I stayed married to my now ex. What was absolutely the most horrible thing I’d ever felt, barely even registers now.
Eventually the pain will go away. But as a therapist once told me, the only way to get over the pain is to go through it. In 20 years, you’ll barely remember it.
It feels awful to have someone completely change what they want out of life from under you. Know that he’s probably been trending that way for a while, and it just took a while for him to bring it to words.
You’re going to get angry with him soon, but what you’re feeling right now is normal. You’re dealing with grief, and there’s stages. They’re going to take months-years to work through. That’s how this shit works.
There’s no substitute for time.
Take how long you were together and roughly 1/3rd of that is your recovery time before you’re going to have this as a distant, faded, annoying memory of a time before you were stronger and a more capable partner.
If you let yourself, you can use this as an opportunity to get stronger. I know it feels like the two of you were perfect for each other, and that you’ll never find someone as special as him again, in all the ways that matter to you; and you’re right, you won’t, because you’ll find someone that will be even more special and will really get you.
You just have to hang in there and give this some time to work through. Don’t go rushing into another relationship imo, I’ve done that and it feels great in the moment, but all it does is delay your healing from this relationship even more. It will make your next breakup even worse, and then you’re trapped in a cycle.
Take some time for yourself, give yourself a minimum of 6 months before you think about or start dating again. Nobody is emotionally ready for that out of the gate unless they’re sociopaths.
You’ll know when it’s time. It’ll feel right. I promise.
Until then, hang in there, and best of luck on the anger phase of this, that was a rough one for me and lasted longer than I care to admit before I learned to let it go.
I feel angry a bit now. I cried so much yesterday when I was out for my walk but now anger is here. Obviously I’m sad too but part of me is so mad that I spent 6 months now for something to not work or to be given up on so easily. It’s so upsetting. I hate that I did it but I reread me and his messages and seeing how much I tried to make things work, for two months, be trying to fix our relationship…pathetic. I got nothing bad. At one point he was just telling me that he felt like he was always telling me how special and beautiful I am and that I didn’t let it go through. What the fuck? But a few days ago he said he should’ve been more appreciative. He’s saying these now because he realizes now when we aren’t talking that I tried so hard and he didn’t care as much as I did.
That’s the part that hurts. The hardest pill to swallow for me is that. I have only known him since the end of November but I swear it feels like I’ve known him for years. This hurts me so much because I rarely feel like this with people. This urge inside me to text him is crazy. I hate that me and him didn’t talk about it in purpose, it makes my blood boil a little bit.
hate to post a fb link, couldn’t for the life of me get it to work otherwise
time will heal.
one day you will remember the good times instead of the bad.
that day will come.
meanwhile, best of luck
I know time will heal but fuck… that video is pretty emotional, wonder what she is/went through. i just hate how heavy my heart feels, i hate always being in pain and being sad. I just want it all to end.
but you haven’t always been in pain.
to appreciate the good times you have to have gone through the worst times.believe me, this too shall pass. and you will be stronger and better off for it.
there is no easy way out. just know that complete strangers online have gone through what you are going through, and have your back (as evident in the comments).
and you too, will persevere. and come out on top.
hugs from an internet stranger 👥
