I’m gay. I’m agender, and I like enbies better than men and women.
The other day in an argument I got frustrated with someone and told them to call me a homophobic slur. One part sarcasm, one part hoping they’d actually do it and get in trouble. Instead, I got punished for using the word. I wasn’t expecting that, because I’m gay. If I call myself a f-----, I didn’t think that was anyone else’s problem.
Was I right? Is it okay for me to use that word, talking about myself?
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Honestly, I have strong suspicions about how dumb and cliquey that space was. Normal people understand context and give each other leeway.
For you personally to use that word to describe or allude to yourself and only yourself seems like something thats totally your call.
I do have to say though that encouraging someone else to use a word that is (or was once) a slur - especially if they are not gay themselves and therefore cannot possibly be reclaiming it - feels like a regressive and fairly crappy thing to do (assuming that they are straight).
They out-woked you and now you’re worried about it? Don’t worry about the rules. Main thing is don’t intentionally try to hurt people. If you become aware that something is unintentionally hurting somebody and it’s within reason to stop, you should probably stop. Call yourself whatever you want. Just understand that some people might be offended and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter as long as you’re not going out of your way to hurt people.
People just want to control your speech.
Unless you are insulting somebody it is none of their business. With that beign said people will have melt downs over it, I just let them have at it. It does require a thick skin but it can be fun. Since these people are generally not very bright. They think they are imposing “social consequences” but in reality most people don’t give a fuck and can actually understand context.
Going forward just avoid having stupid idiots around, it makes for much better conversation tbh
Some people take every word spoken literally - do not “slur yourself” in front of them. When you’re with friends and family who “get” you, drop all the f-bomblettes you want 🗣️🪵
No you were not in the “right”
Two wrongs don’t make a right
I’ve noticed some of my gay friends try to “reclaim” slurs while others treat the words as taboo. Seems like a matter of personal preference to me.
Context and intention matter, a great example to learn from on this topic is the boondocks. Gives a great insight into a community with one of the most well known slurs to have been reclaimed in America.
Even “reclaimed” it can still be used to hurt, just like any word.
In reality there’s no such concept as reclaiming a word. The very idea is nonsense. There’s nothing to reclaim as there was nothing lost in the first place.
A word, is a word. They have no weight or power with out intention. In Korean niga means you, in French removed is the color black.
With out the context and intention they are just words. To be hurt by words means you are being hurt by the intention, not the word it self. You can’t “reclaim” others intentions, you have no power over others and part of learning to deal with the trauma of abuse and the association of that abuse with those words. Is to learn the words hold no power over you.
So to move on from the hurtful nature of the words means you must come to grips with the fact you can’t control other people. And if you can’t control other people there’s nothing to reclaim.
Words, are just piles of definitions. If you use them to harm then it is an act of hate. If you use them to band together as brothers then it is an act of kindness.
How you act, your intentions are all that matter. Words, can not break you.
The Homophobic Slurs would be a great band name.
You can reclaim slurs. Of course, ability to read the room is very useful, because in some settings using slurs, even if you’re referring to yourself, isn’t considered acceptable, like you don’t swear if you’re talking to kids or having dinner with your granparents.
Well, your not supposed to, but tell that to my mouth.
you can do what you want. Personally it hurts me to hear the f-slur due to a lot of trauma, regardless of context. But I’m a big boy who can deal with it, but useful context for you to consider
I’m oppressed AND can’t use my OWN TERM!? This place is a prison.
I would say no. If you think its an offensive word then why use it?
Slur reclamation exists
Not everyone agrees with it.
generally reclamation is framed as positive usage only. I just learned about this recently myself with the word bitch. Calling my girl friends bitches in a nice way, when i’m not angry and mean it to be endearing is reclamation.
Calling another woman (like jk rowling) a bitch when i don’t like her or her actions is misogynistic even though i’m a woman, because it’s being used to tear down/degrade.
I think the same logic applies to this, a gay man calling his friends the f slur endearingly is fine, but using it hatefully is no different than a straight person doing it.
I was arguing with a tankie who was defending the use of an ableist slur. I told them fine, whatever, call me a f-----. I was making a point about how they would call mentally ill people slurs, but wouldn’t do the same to me. Implying I thought they were a bigot, and they’d attack me too if there were as few consequences. They weren’t a good person, they were just being civil according to social norms. I don’t care about civility, I care about meaning what you say. Practicing what you preach. F----- is how I feel tankies see me, on a certain level. Stalin said being gay is bourgeois decadence. He put us in gulags. I don’t feel safe around Stalin worshippers, and when they attack other minorities, I feel aware of that. I see how their respect is an act.
I’d rather be called a f----- than have them insist they’re my allies. And it took a lot of self control just now to delete those five letters and turn them into dashes. I want to talk openly about how I feel seen by those people. This pretense, not using the words that match how I feel I’m seen, it feels like the same thing. Having to practice civility around people who would lynch me if Dear Leader told them to. I’d prefer slurs.
Between you and your friends, I don’t have a problem with it.
In a controlled setting like a school (I’m guessing) then hard no. If you use those words then the bigots will say to authority, “but u/Genius said it!” and that’s a whole can of worms the administration doesn’t want to open.
In the scenario given, this is my opinion as well. OP described the situation as one where there is some authority and code of conduct over their behavior there, so that needs to apply to everyone.
Also by OP’s own words, they were specifically trying to antagonize someone to get them in trouble, which would probably be pretty transparent to someone observing the interaction.
In a more general sense, I can see some empowerment of words only you and your group can use, but at the same time, I don’t know how one can say they’re reclaimed if other outside people using them would still be hurtful or inappropriate.
I’m straight and white, but my best friends are gay, and my work buddies are all non-white. I have no desire to use any derogatory word, around them or not, because I’d be pissed if anyone would call them those things, so I still see them as insults.
My gay friends don’t often use those words around me at least, and I don’t think ever in reference to themselves. If they would, that would be their choice, but I’d still not really be thrilled hearing those words used in reference to them. They’re my favorite people in the world, next to my SO and my brother.
With my work friends, one is black and the other Hispanic. They both use the N word around me freely and with no animosity. I am not used to Hispanic people using that word in reference to themselves, and that took some real getting used to. The black coworker has never acted bothered by it, and they’re not one to shy away from expressing displeasure, so I let them do their thing. Again, it wouldn’t be my choice of words for them to refer to themselves, but that’s their call. They know (for the most part) not to talk like that in more public settings though.
So while it’s not really my business, I’d prefer people not to do it, especially if it is in a provoking manner like OP’s situation because I feel it’s not respectful or self-respectful, and especially if I was a boss or someone in authority over the environment, I think a near zero tolerance approach in appropriate, since while you may be cool with it, it’s a leader’s responsibility to make everyone feel accommodated.
Personally I think anyone trying to “reclaim” a slur is an ignoramus. Not everyone agrees with the use of those words in any context so it doesn’t matter if you are “card carrying”, it still doesn’t make it okay to say in mixed company where you don’t know how that word will impact those present.
I have seen this in action numerous times with different groups where someone catches a beating for dropping a slur even though they were “allowed” to say it.
I think all oppressed people (which ultimately are all people except the ruling class) should bind together and break the system.
But yes, i think you have the moral right to call yourself whatever you wish. Do i think it is a great idea? Not sure. But I think you’re entitled to it.
