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This is probably a me thing, but if I were to catch on to someone doing this I might start wondering at some hidden intent behind everything they do
The way she contextualises it is a bit odd, but the actual thing isn’t that bad. It’s just accommodating him, being aware of his particulars, and helping him over his issues. The gift of a single M&M is unusual, but giving your partner something nice isn’t strange. People do similar things all the time in relationships, it’s just not thought of as training.
Biggest issue is her framing it that way, because people might either get the wrong idea, or give the wrong idea. Saying she’s training him like a dog gives the idea of a lead, like with an actual dog.
The biggest thing for me is that she’s eroding his emotional sovereignty. She’s taking covert actions to modulate and decide his mood for him.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling down, I just want to feel that and get through on my own. But she’s deciding which of his moods isn’t appropriate and is changing his behaviour. If this were out in the open, he would be able to accept or refuse her attempts to cheer him up or divert him. But he (presumably) doesn’t even know it’s happening. That’s not cool.
It sounds fine because it’s worded like she’s helping him but she’s still taking away his autonomy. Just bring it out in the open: “hey, I’ve noticed, when you’re sad or stressed, peanut M&Ms cheer you up. Would you like me to keep some on-hand?” With that you, you’ve alerted them to behaviours about themself and got their consent to “help” them.
If that’s the timbre of their interactions, I’ve got no qualms. But setting the context as “I train abused dogs” brings the mental image to one step above “hiding medicine in a dog treat.”
I appreciate your comment.
I’ve actually talked to my fiance about things like this, because I noticed that I was ‘handling’ him, and I felt like it was demeaning to him. Luckily for me, he considered what I said and informed me that he likes that.
Consent makes the difference!
Probably helps that I’m used to disturbed and abused humans, too…
I mean this simply gets into the ethics of manipulation. Ultimately, it comes down to choosing happiness.
i remember this episode of Big Bang Theory
And How I Met your Mother
A man can only dream of having a girl who’s so attentive and understanding. She’d make a good mom.
Most of us are so utterly self-consumed.
Yeah. Positive reinforcement works across a lot of species… Just because the OP is used to using it with canines first doesn’t make it bad to use on humans We could all use a little pick-up sometimes, just doing fine the M&M’s to rover and a milk bone to the partner by mistake.
Insert “it should’ve been me” meme here.
This is literally how I want to be treated.
somehow I could tell even before you said it
That’s all fine, it’s when she gets naked on the bed with a jar of peanut butter and a spatula that things start getting weird
a spatula that stings
Why is she hitting you with the spatula?
Seriously. Should be a newspaper.
Don’t yuck the yum
My main issue with this is that the way we train dogs is that we train them to be dependant on us. So yeah, she’s training him to come out of his shell, maybe, but if it works the same way a dog does he’ll only be loyal and listen to her. Especially because anyone else he meets won’t treat him like a dog and will expect him to behave like a person without the expectation of rewards which would probably make him more adverse to others
Of course, he’s a human being too so it won’t go down exactly like that. I’m just saying that from the very first premise the way we train dogs is by training them to be codependant
Well okay but what do you want her to do then, not treat people like she treats dogs?
if you want a different class just get more girlfriends
Well, once he opens up she can train him to be more independent. But first he needs the security and wiggle room.
Its not the best approach, but in the mental world you take what you can get.
That’s kind of my point. What part of our whole understanding of how to train dogs involves training them to be more independent? I don’t really think there is any. At best you can point to like dog socialization training, but I don’t think that makes them more independent, that’s just training them to be social when their owners are around.
The problem is not the actions. The problem is your mentality. If you’re trying to train a human being, that sounds pretty f****** terrible. On the other hand, if you’re trying to support for and care for them, it doesn’t sound terrible.
Based on the wording, it sounds like the former, but perhaps you’re just trying to make your post dramatic for the internet and the actual situation is more like the latter. We don’t know, but you do, so act accordingly.
Honestly if we treated each other as well as we treated dogs we’d already be in paradise.
😬
Some dogs.
This is just poorly thought out. You offer dessert and to pay, yhen classify out as food motivation. I mean it could be that he’s happy you’re paying, or happy you want to be out longer. If anything he just ate, so food motivation would be at it’s lowest.
You’re taking an animal that isn’t as complex as humans or even have a concept of society, and trying to apply that to a person in a relationship. I think the thought is there, but the conclusions are a bit flawed.
I mean it could be that he’s happy you’re paying, or happy you want to be out longer.
Oh, have you seen video of their lunch or something? You should post it, we can figure this out right now.
We’re only more complex in that we have language systems so can assess situations in a more detailed way. The majority of the time we have pretty much the same instincts and responses to stimuli to many other animals because, in short, it takes less energy/effort. Being able to conceive society, something canines can do, doesn’t stop other natural instincts. There is a level of simplification, yes, but this is a social media post, not a scientific study so it won’t explain every minute detail!
We’re only more complex in that we have language systems so can assess situations in a more detailed way.
In part yes. But we also have a society. We have concepts of social norms that we created and evolved. We have expectations developed through a lifetime of education and media. A human from 50 years ago would feel lost in today’s world, let alone a dog. We may be driven by some same basics, but we are more complex.
My point is that we can’t talk to dogs like we can to humans. So we learn signs and try to interpret them as best we can. But interpretations are just that - interpretations. They can be wrong. A better method would be to talk and discuss the issue, removing the need for any guesswork.
M&M?
She seems to have only the best intentions, but I can’t help but feel a little creeped out. She’s using a psychological trick to leverage this man’s trauma in order to get him to behave in a certain way, and she’s doing it without his knowledge or consent. I think that’s dishonest at the very least, and I don’t think building the foundation of your relationship on calculated manipulation is going to lead to a good outcome.
I’d even go as far as saying her emotional intelligence creates a power imbalance in the relationship, which she is deliberately exploiting.
Eh, I see it as a way to overcome trauma. In therapy don’t they give you “tools” to use to achieve the same? Unknown that’s the individual doing it themselves and not a third party doing it. But I don’t see it as overly wrong.
At least until the individual overcomes the trauma, although I suppose they themselves should be able to acknowledge that they have overcome it.
So I don’t know. What I do know is if someone felt that strongly, directly towards my mental health, it would be amazing.
I agree that what she does is manipulative and condescending even with the best intentions (paving the road to hell and all that), but I have issues with the use of “emotional intelligence” here.
An emotional intelligent person does NOT do this kind of shit on purpose.
They meet the other person where they’re at and on the same level, they communicate honestly, they don’t presume to educate or manage them.I’d say she comes off more as emotionally stunted, she has no idea know how to relate with her partner as an equal.
Some people take great offense when you don’t pretend humans have somehow evolved beyond the animal kingdom. Yes, we are still animals, and much of what works for them still works on us.
