As a kid, I learned to “pause” my true self. School was the pause, and my hobbies, dreams, and passions were the unpause—something I’d rush back to during lunch or after class.
Over time, the pauses got longer. Tiredness and responsibilities crept in, leaving little energy to unpause at the end of some days.
At work, sometimes the pressure and the demands were so relentless that I couldn’t unpause for weeks or months at a time.
Then came marriage, fatherhood, and the joy—and work—of raising a child.
I want my son to get to know the real me but I worry that by the time he is grown I won’t have any “self” to unpause to.
That’s a disturbingly accurate description of how I’ve felt for decades
The world has changed significantly since you were your kiddo’s age, but it sounds like you might be stuck thinking you can regain the things you’ve lost. Time only goes one way and you have to find new ways to live and express yourself.
Look for parts of your life where you are just killing time. Browsing social media, watching a streaming service, playing video games, etc, and see if you can do less of that. Look at what things you buy and see if you can buy less, used, or local to free up some budget for pursuing other interests. And if you feel tired all the time, get some exercise, it really does help with fatigue over time.
Both your partner and kiddo can also help, they would prefer a happy, authentic husband/dad and probably would support you if you asked them for specific assistance.
Ultimately you have to make it a priority or nothing will change.
My rent payments aren’t paused
Hey there, fellow tired and paused Dad!
I felt every word of what you said, and my advice for you is what I’m learning to tell myself every day.
Just let your freak flag fly, my friend.
There’s a cynical way to look at this. Nothing means anything, and there are no more rules anymore. We’re on the Titanic worrying about about which forks to use and whether we’re wearing the right shoes for dinner. Eat with your hands and wear clown shoes!
And there’s also a positive, constructive way to look at this. Whatever we’ve been doing, as a culture, as a generation, isn’t working. Maybe a generation of dads (and moms and all other people) pausing themselves hasn’t been good for us. Be the weird, awesome, thoughtful guy you seem to be, and your son will probably do the same. We’re not the hope for the future, but our kids are, and they deserve to see the unpaused us.
What have you paused? Pick up that old hobby. Remember your passion. Start over if you have to. Be a kid with your kid and figure out what you want to be when you grow up.
I don’t mean to preach. I’m mostly talking to myself here. But I wish you the best.
Honestly I can’t remember the last time my life was on “Play.” I’ve been stuck in the same job so long it’s had two name changes and an acquisition since I started. It’s decent money and I can tolerate the work which is largely why I’m still there, because almost everyone I knew when I started has left or been fired. And I’m so afraid that if I leave or get let go I won’t be able to find anything else because the job market’s been absolute dogshit.
I’ve been experimenting with my gender presentation. I did a full body shave and picked up a skirt. I don’t think it’s helped me feel better about my body. I just kind of want to be a brain in a jar or a stuffed animal or something that doesn’t look like a complete pile of shit no matter how it’s dressed up.
Ever since I got home from getting kicked out of boot camp nothing feels real. Everything is on pause and I can’t enjoy my hobbies.
I liked manga and decided to buy some. But once I bought some I stopped enjoying it. I’ve always wanted a dirt bike, got that. Now I don’t even wanna ride it.
Assuming this was regular force equivalent, I can’t truly relate, but as a teen I got injured and RTU’d on CAF BMQ as a reservist, eventually lead to seeking a discharge because in the time I was waiting for the next course, I just wasn’t interested anymore and Burger King was the preferable part-time job.
One thing I will say is, as much as possible, enjoy the small things you can get away with not being in boot (assuming you’re living in purely civvy circumstances). Make your bed? Fuck that! Hospital corners are for orderlies! I don’t know what it was, but straight refusal to make my bed for like a month or two was cathartic as fuck.
Acronyms? Nah fam, say the whole god damned phrase, every time, for everything (obviously I didn’t keep this up, lol).
Mine’s a sillier example, obviously, but taking this perspective might point you in a useful direction, at least a tiny bit. Hang in there.
This is a compartmentalization technique seen in a lot in people with ADHD. Not saying OP has ADHD, but it’s something to look into if they have other signs.
I did this for literal decades. I was excited to start my adult life after high school, but an opportunity I couldn’t pass up dropped into my lap, so I chose that route instead.
Joining the US military was that opportunity. My uncle explained how the Air Force had taken care of him for 30 years, giving him free food, free lodging, free education, free travel around the globe, free medical and dental, and a steady, decent paycheck on top of it all. It sounded too good to be true, so I signed up as well. I figured I could get back to my plans for adult life later, after I’d taken advantage of all the benefits the military could offer me.
20 years later (3 years ago), I retired from the Air Force. It was a pretty stressful career, in a positive way, so I was glad to get home, relax a bit, then finally pick up my life where I left off.
The things is, a lot happens in 2 decades. All my friends had left town and moved on to new lives, new careers, created new families, etc. my own family had mostly moved away, except for my dad who was still living in my childhood home. He offered to let my wife and I stay with him rent free as long as we wanted. He passed away last year and I inherited the house from him.
So now I’m back in my childhood home, just starting to really get settled back in and trying to figure out what to do with myself. I feel like my life has been on hold for so long, I don’t even know where to start in picking things back up again. I’m not young anymore, so a lot of the physically active jobs and hobbies I was previously interested in are either difficult or impossible for me now. I also changed a lot mentally with 20 years of military service. I’m not the same person I was at 18, so I have to readjust my interests and hobbies.
Fortunately, I have a lifelong pension from the military. I was grandfathered into the old pension program before they switched to a 401K-type plan, so I get paid half my final paycheck every month for the rest of my life. I also got the coveted “100% Permanent & Total” disability rating from the VA, so that is an additional monthly payment for life that’s about double the size of my pension. Plus free medical and dental for life. My wife didn’t retire from the military, but she also got the 100% P&T disability rating, so she gets the same medical pay and benefits as me.
So with all this passive income, we can actually be retired, as of 38 years old, and have the free time every day to focus on rediscovering our lives. I don’t feel like I need to put my life on pause while I work a job I don’t necessarily care for, or save up enough money for something I really want to do. I can live my life fully now, unpaused, for the first time in my life. It’s been very liberating, both mentally and physically.
Wow reading about pensions my mind just assumed you were properly old. YOU ARE ONLY 38?! Congrats on the financial stability!
I also have moved around a lot, mostly for work, all exciting opportunities. The first few years going home feels like nothing ever changes but I recently went to my home town for a wedding and saw some friends for the first time in 15 years. Wow did the passage of time hit me like a truck. The years add up.
I was in the mountains hiking with an 85 and 82 year old a few weekends ago. They crushed. We may be older but we are still a lot closer to 18 than 85.
i was raised in a high pressure household and school was always always the pause. im only 23 now but im still struggling to figure out who i am since i never really got the chance to. responsibilities will always creep in, you have to be super intentional about making time for you. maybe start with a once a week class on something that interests you. as busy as you are, you can find a couple hours one day a week. prioritize movement, eating well, and sleeping enough so you have more energy, and therefore time during the day.
