Recently, our daughter (17 in June) told my wife and me that she has started dating not 1, but 2 guys. No introductions needed since we already know them; they’ve been close friends of hers for quite some time now. Daughter put it as: why do I have to choose if I like them both and they don’t mind sharing?
I just don’t like it.
In the late 80 and 90s my mom bitched me and my friends out for “hopping from fake monogamy over and over again” because we didn’t date around. We tried to explain that STDs meant that “going steady” was the only dating status available at the time.
Honestly, with the current economy, 3+ adults to a household just makes sense. Isn’t that sad? As long as everyone is informed, your daughter is still finding out what she wants from life don’t make it more complicated by forcing your views on her too.
It’s perfectly fine to not like it and as long as you don’t force your view on your daughter, you are not a bad person.
But you sure as hell are a bad person if you don’t accept your daughters stance. Because as long as it is known to and accepted by all participants, it’s nobodies business but theirs. Nobody gets hurt by it? Nobody should interfere.
You’re not a bad person, but neither is she?
IMHO, If they’re caring, respectful and fully aware of the situation who am I to judge.
Keep in mind… most other teens would have ended up doing exactly that, but without telling either guy nor you.
I think that’s quite mature and level-headed of her to have been upfront about this actually. 🤷♂️You’re not a bad person for feeling whatever you’re feeling. It’s your actions that count.
I can forsee some potential issues with it but the worst that is likely to happen is heartbreak. And at that age it’s to be expected from just one boyfriend anyway.
She is almost an adult. Offer advice but at some point she will have to learn to live with the consequences of her actions.
She’s almost an adult. Almost.
I understand your discomfort, but also she’s going to be making decisions for herself for the rest of her life. Offer supportive guidance. Ask clarifying questions without judgement.
Is she simply dating multiple people, or is she in multiple committed relationships? Do the guys know that she is seeing both, and do either of them expect her to pick one (or neither) eventually? Are they sexually active? As a parent, that last question can be extremely uncomfortable, but it’s a big clue to the nature of the situation.
I would advise that these relationships are dicey. It’s an unbalanced equation. What are they sharing? Her time? Her affection? Her body? Who decides how she is divided up? Does she have the power in the relationship or is she a thing they are passing around? Why are they OK with having half a relationship? Jealousy is a sneaky demon, and the things people say often don’t match the things people feel.
Polyamory can work in adult relationships if everyone is honest about what they want. Teens in relationships can sometimes struggle to advocate for themselves and might tolerate a lot more abuse before they speak up. If she feels like you are judging her for her choices, she may go even further to hide or suppress her feelings from you.
Make sure she understands that you are in her corner, and no topic is off limits. It might be equally uncomfortable for her to discuss it with you, but this is a situation worth monitoring closely. Her relationships should make her feel good about herself, and learning to be in a relationship is learning to balance your needs with the needs of another person. Is she being selfish or callous towards their feelings? Is she creating drama or seeking attention? Does the tension stoke her ego? Those would all be perfectly normal childish traits, and unhealthy attitudes to carry into adulthood.
This can be an important life lesson for her, but check in to make sure she’s learning something that will help her in the long run.
Such emotions are often triggered by ignorance - that’s not a negative, we are all ignorant in one way or another. What counts is what we do with that ignorance. Your daughter is in a polyamorous relationship or something similar to that. I would recommend you educate yourself about what that is, what kinds of healthy poly relationships can exist, what kinds of unhealthy ones can, and learn how to accept that your daughter is different - just like you are.
Seminal reading on the subject, which I would also recommend your daughter pick up, is The Ethical Slut.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t really have a dog in this fight. I think it’s reasonable to feel weird about someone doing something you’re not used to. So long as they’re happy, nobody is getting hurt, and nobody is a jerk about it, everything should be fine. Like, if both guys know about one another then cool, if she’s two-timing both then maybe a discussion needs to be had.
Bit of a tangent: It’s weird to me how against things like polyamory or swinging North American society seems to be. I’ve seen people talk about cheating with less confusion and apprehension. Is it so alien that more than two people can consensually enjoy each other’s company? Archie comics have been a staple here for years, and those crazy kids are deffo in a proto-polycule.
Its not that weird considering the puritanical background and christian fascism thats infected everything.
Being worried about such a set up, especially with teenagers, who are emotionally and physically underdeveloped, where things going wrong can have life long consequences (STDs, unwanted pregnancy, trauma from emotional/physical/sexual abuse), it is perfectly reasonable to be worried, without it having anything to do with puritanism or christian fascism. These consequences are already possible with a monogamous relationship and get more likely with poly relationships.
It should be the parental instinct to be worried about their teenagers getting romantically active and to watch out for their children, without directly preventing them from doing thing or forcing them into hiding. It is only logical that this instinct gets more worried if not one but two, or even more people that could be a threat to their child are involved.
You’re arguing a point I didn’t make. I intentionally called out why it felt ‘weird’, ie strange, or unnatural.
You also claim that poly relationships have more instances of pregnancy, trauma, etc. Can you cite that data or studies to support that?
Things feel weird, strange or unnatural because they go against instinctive feelings.
As for why they are more likely to go wrong it is quite simple. Two teenagers are more trouble than one teenager. Especially if they are in competition with each other. Jealousy is a key driver for violence and young men are the demographic generally most violent. These are things that you know subconsciously, as you have most likely experienced them yourself. As for negative experience with men and in particular men seeking sexual contact i think every women will be able to confirm danger and or having experienced abuse themselves. Now you have two rabbit-horny high on testosterone teenagers that have to “share” one teenage girl. This should cause an instinctive negative reaction by every parent.
As for studies which analyzed the situation where one men has multiple women concluded that these relationships negatively affect the women and their children psychologically.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8667458/
Now this of course is different compared to a situation where one women has multiple men. A situation which seems to be much less prevalent and i couldnt find studies on quickly. As to why they are much less prevalent, this gives reason for even more worry. There is reason to believe them to be less stable and likely end up with violence, where women on average a physically much less stronger than men.
3 is where I draw a line, 4 a rectangle, 5 a pentagram of sorts, but if she reaches 6 the most stable structure known to man, then that’s to be celebrated.
Now because man is 5 (cos man is 5), and the devil is 6 (and the devil is 6, devil is 6), and when the devil is 6, then God is 7, then God is 7.
This coincides with the level of permissions you should be giving her. A mode of 555 means you approve of her relationships, one of 666 means you and others approve, and 777 means that she is blessed under God and all.
After that, make sure you can read and write to her. Then finally execute her.
I hope this helped.
The best you can hope for is that your daughter & her friends don’t get killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey.
Exactly, or by an underwater guy who controls the sea
3 is a triangle; a love triangle. 2 is a line is you’re a religious but and don’t believe in sex before marriage. 1 is a point, of contention, if you’re a religious fanatic and don’t believe in masturbation.
You’re absolutely right about penta-amorous relationships.
Hexagons are bestagons
OP to the boyfriends: If you’re 555 then I’m 666.
I guess she knows what it’s like to be a heretic
Slipknot is not where I saw this thread going but I’m here for it.
In general, your emotional reaction to things doesn’t make you a bad person. How you respond to it might.
I think trying to interfere as long as there’s nothing physically dangerous or nonconsensual going on would make you a bad person. The fact that you’re asking this question suggests you don’t plan to do that.
Nothing wrong with plural groups with consenting individuals as long as there is no abuse (think Mormon polygamy).
I was in an open marriage which is not the same, but nothing weird happened.
Either one guy is going to get super jelous or the two guys will hook up and dump her simultaneously.
Or they have a functional polycule. That is an option. I’m not betting on it by age alone, but it’s an option
I wouldn’t take those odds, but I’m living proof that it can work. My highschool sweethearts and I have been an item for 20 years.
Oh yeah. I married my first boyfriend, though we met when I was 24 (out of the closet at 22, took a while to try dating). That stuff can work, but I’m just not gonna bet on it
Be respectful of your daughter’s wishes and let her be.
Meanwhile, inform ICE that her boyfriends are critical of the genocide in Gaza and with any luck their citizenship will get revoked and they’ll be deported to Venezuela.
It’s insane reading the comments telling the father of a girl to accept her daughter being pimped out just like that LMAO 🤣
Who’s doing ‘pimping’? The daughter herself?
Gross. Reported.
What specifically don’t you like about it?
Increased exposure to STDs,
increased risk of emotional abuse (most grown adults fail with poly relations),
increased risk of physical abuse, especially with young men being hot headed and often hierarchy minded
increased risk of sexual abuse, “you are already dating two guys, why dont you want a threesome/gangbang, dont act like this” risk of pregnancy with denial by both potential fathers, or dispute about who takes the father role
increased risk to develop commitment issues (those are already prevalent enough in our times)None of these have to manifest, but it is perfectly reasonable for a parent to have an instant gut feeling against this.
My question was about OP’s feelings specifically. I could compile a list for or against myself, that wasn’t what I was asking for.
I’m seeing a lot of comments telling you how to feel, to “be okay with it,” which I think is lame. Feelings aren’t something to be controlled, only understood and maybe channeled toward something. When a couple of my good friends began a polyamorous relationship, it really weirded me out, but eventually I came to accept that it worked for them, even though it would not work for me.
My advice is to first understand why you don’t like it. Give it some personal thought, then do some reading on what polyamory is and how it can or cannot work to compare and contrast with the thoughts you had going into the situation. In the process, you will not only gain better ways of understanding and expressing your own feelings and concerns, you’ll also have learned useful advice and guidelines to share with your daughter.
Then sit down with your daughter and share your more refined understanding of your feelings and how they lead to your approval/disapproval of her polyamory and share the guidelines you found to keep such a relationship healthy should she decide to pursue it. I think the middlingly fortunate reality is that she is reaching an age where she will do what she wants, whether it is behind or in front of your back. At least she’ll know that you tried to understand.
i really like your comment. thank you for sharing! not only does it handle coming into terms but also being open to your daughter about what you feel about them.
channeled toward something. it really weirded me out, but eventually I came to accept
This is control
Maybe it depends on how you define the two terms, but I disagree, or at least what you’re saying wasn’t my intent. I think understanding emotions is the primary way to deal with them, but I added the bit about channeling it because sometimes understanding isn’t enough and something more needs to be done. In my mind controlling an emotion means exerting willpower to push down or replace an emotion that arises, while channeling entails a greater degree of acceptance of the emotion and then purposefully putting it toward something productive.
In the context of this scenario, demanding acceptance when the present emotion is probably some mix of disgust, confusion, and fear summed up as “I don’t like it” is a form of emotional control that isn’t healthy. After understanding what emotions are in the mix and (hopefully) why those emotions are present, there are productive and healthy ways to deal with them without trying to force them to change. Confusion has the most obvious way to “channel” it by researching polyamory to be less confused. You may say that that’s not really channeling, and I agree that it can be a vague term, but without that confusion (or by rejecting it) I doubt there would be curiosity to learn, which would hamper a healthy response. I feel pretty deep in the weeds at this point, but I hope that clarifies what I’m trying to say a little.
Basically, to use definitions from Merriam-Webster, to control is to “to exercise restraining or directing influence over” emotions, while to channel is to “to convey or direct [emotions] into or through a channel” toward something productive. The first isn’t a healthy coping mechanism in the long run, the second is if done right.
I mean, you still control your feelings when you first understand your emotions and then decide how to handle them. Accepting your emotions and acting contrary to what you feel or channeling your feelings somewhere is control.
Pushing down one’s emotions is unhealthy but to control them is good.
You don’t have to like her choices in order to accept her making her own choices, why choose if you can do both?
