Being “mentally much younger” is not an excuse to be an asshole. I’ve personally known five and six year olds who understand quite well that some people love and marry people the same gender as themselves, and also accept being corrected on whether someone is “he,” “she,” or even “they.”

Bigotry isn’t natural, it’s learned behavior you can accept and reinforce through your responses to her, attempt to correct, or simply judge her by and decide whether or not to continue involving her in your life.

(If Ella isn’t capable of matching the mental facilities of a toddler, the help she needs is probably beyond your ability or responsibility to provide.)

Hi! I’m also a lady with au/ADHD.

Ella is a twat. Having a disability/handicap does excuse dehumanizing someone else. She can be hateful with her parents if she really wants, but don’t tolerate that shit.

She’s on a slippery slope for a larger part of society to start dehumanizing her based on her diagnosis/identity, too. Glass houses, I guess. 💅

Just tell her autism doesn’t exist and that she’ll never hold a job, go on a date, or play baseball.

/s

Eh, even with that she should still understand consequences. I’d give her long time outs. Next time she does say that you are offended, and need time away. Start with a couple of days. When she does it again make it a week no contract. Make sure she knows its because she was mean and you don’t want to be around mean people. Hold firm during that time.

I don’t like just saying one and done, give them a chance to change their ways. Even with autism that is informing them that they were offensive, and that there are consequences to that. It’s their cross to bear, and I think that’s being very generous in helping them learn that.

Autism or not, this isn’t an acceptable way to behave. You should be firm and tell her that she is wrong. I don’t know about cutting contact but for sure that can be an option if she doesn’t change. You don’t need homophobic transphobic people in your life.

Not aiming this at you but: when did it become socially unacceptable to condemn / chastise people with ADHD / autism when they say or do unacceptable things? This only emboldens them to do worse things.

Also:

so this one girl, i’ll call her ella

Laughs in Spanish

Is there a reason you have to interact with this person? It seems like if you’re in a situation where her response comes with an LOL, your best course might be just to not engage. If you’re in a position of responsibility with teaching her how to interact then gently repeating that respecting how someone would like to be addressed is probably warranted, even if it doesn’t seem terribly effective the first (many) times.

Cutting someone slack doesn’t mean letting them go on behaving badly, it means understanding they need help to behave better.

she also gets mad when i call a trans man “he” and says “SHE’S A GIRL EVEN THO SHE LOOKS LIKE A MAN LOL”

Wait so you do this or she does this? I’m assuming it’s her?

I think you have to decide who you want to hang out with. Do you hang out with people a lot younger. If not why? Im guessing likely because they are immature, no?

Part of growing up is challenging the ideas you got from your parents and learning to treat people with the respect you’d like them to use with you. If she wants to continue being friends she needs to do this part of growing up.

My brother in laws little sibling is pretty autistic and has a history of being semi-trans-not-understanding…? He saw someone who is a trans male and started HRT a few months ago (i.e. does not fully pass yet) and when he saw the trans man and was told that he was a man he said “but he looks like a girl…?”

for context my brother in law is ALSO trans and has been fully out and passing for like 5 years (beard n all), so he should’ve understood what it was like for ‘trans man’ to be like his brother.

He’s done this with a nonbinary person too, but tbf most people don’t understand how nonbinary works without autism.

What I’m trying to say here is that there’s a difference between hate and not understanding. Sounds like the person you’re talking about is being hateful, so have no shame in cutting contact.

Also if you don’t feel comfortable with someone you don’t need an excuse to yourself to justify leaving.

she’s guilty, mental illness doesn’t mean total inability, they can learn and they should have empathy

I can’t understand your situation but, I personally would be cutting contact regardless of disability. Nothing stated effects your decision making process, they are willingly having those values even if they may not understand the impact of their decision, I would rather stay far away.

She doesn’t need slack for that. She needs firm redirection. If she’s not able to take that, then cut contact.

I suggest you tell her that this is a problem, and that this is affecting your friendship. That if she does not try to educate herself, that you will have to reconsider the friendship.

Tell her that trans people have something called gender dysphoria. Reference Wikipedia and DSM. Prove that this is a real thing. Just like her autism. The best would probably be to just send her a couple of links with a short, but honest take on how this is a problem for you. Let her read it herself om her own time.

The last thing you should do is let the friendship end without talking to her. Its important to confront people, and give them a chance to change their mind. People deserve that.